whatsreal, I am not sure that I would be the best person to be giving advise. It seems that the only time I do something right in my sitch is when it is the only thing left after doing all the wrong things. There's my warning to you. Now I'll share what I've learned/experienced.
Your H sounds like me a few years ago. Super clueless that he is standing on about a millimeter of thin ice and his world could change in a heartbeat. I had all those same characteristics and look at me now going to hell and back to try to get my M to work. So there is hope for him. The question is how to get him to see the danger swirling all around.
My first thought after reading your post was that I wished my W would have tried as hard as you to smack me in the face and get my attention that something was wrong. C was never suggested and no research was done by W at all. So I commend you for the work you've done so far. Knowing me, I probably would still have been as clueless as your H even if my W had put in the effort you have. It makes me wonder if anything less than the bomb would have snapped me into reality. I'd like to think that a C could have awakened me but who knows.
Was so surprised to have had an affair - never thought I would be there.
My W claims the same thing. Says it came out of nowhere. She wasn't looking. Just slowly happend, and before she realized what was happening it was too late.
He would never forgive me and we would never be able to get the M back on track.
My W thought I would react the same way. I don't know if it was a legitimate reason not to tell me, or just an excuse so she wouldn't have to end the A.
What prompted you to find this site?
I was frequenting another site that wasn't very constructive or helpful. Just a place to bitch about your cheating S. Then one day it got hacked and went down. I was this close to filing for D b/c we had been S a few weeks and I found out that OM had given W a cell phone so I couldn't snoop and see how often they talked. For some reason I searched all day at work for something on the web to replace the hacked site that would make me feel better or show me what to do. I didn't want to file but I wanted the hurt to stop. I found DB.com and when I read the stuff MWD had written I thought, "OMG, this lady was in my house and knows my M inside and out." There were hundreds of other people out there just like me!
What do you do to make the M better?
Pretty much what you have done. Worked on myself. Tried to discover what it was that I was doing or not doing that made W look elsewhere. It's still a work in progress b/c the M is nowhere to be found. I am more stable now and in a place where I can take it or leave it as far as the M is concerned.
Is it important to tell him about the A?
I don't think you have to tell him. That's up to you. I would say to keep the nuclear option as a last resort. There has to be some other things you haven't tried or tried long enough. Separation might get H's attention. Maybe I'm wrong and just being a whimp because I've been in his place. If you do tell him he could go either way depending on his personality and character. Within a few seconds to a few days of hearing about the A, it will galvanize him to either run towards you or away from you.
Hope I've given you some food for thought. An A is a terrible thing to do, but I understand why it happens and we all make mistakes. Again I commend you for coming to this BB and looking for ways to save your M. You are a rare potential WAW.
