Don’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t see the problem as that big of a deal. Keeping from slipping down the slippery slope is only a matter or proper boundaries. The comment from Anna is an excellent example of how good boundaries can take the pressure off you and make the other person become responsible for his/her own actions and consequences. I think you are still covertly controlling her now, by being responsible for her happiness. Isn’t this a little empowering for you? I wonder if your anxiety really comes from fear of letting this control go, rather than how it will actually affect your wife. Something to think about anyway.
One other thought…. How do know she would react poorly to your placing such limits on her? Would she object to someone else placing limits on her? Surely the other man must make some sort of similar demands. If she can handle that, then the difference in her reaction to you may have to do with you, not her. If so, this is something under your control. All you need to do is identify what it is that you do that makes her react. This should not be too hard since she has probably told you already. This is what your counselor should be helping you with.
If your confidence is tied to your wife, then you are truly vulnerable. She has all the control over you and can bounce you around like a puppet. That is not a good place to be. Yes it is codependence, but it comes from your childhood. You are analytical enough to quickly figure out the source of your issues once you identify what they are. Work on this and take away her power. Detach. Then you can bargain from a position of strength, not weakness. There is really little other choice in this for doing otherwise also runs the risk of her losing respect for you, which is part of what you want from your controlling behavior anyway, right?
