I don’t understand why this would be spooky to you. It seems to be fair that she step up to the plate and do some of the work. If she doesn’t like it let her change, but I don’t see why you should. If you change to accommodate her, it will simply be enabling. I think your fear is what needs addressing. Once you overcome this, then you will not react to her getting upset. Your improved boundaries will see that her being upset is her fault, not yours.
I agree with your counselor that your wife should be the one calling. Furthermore, let the first call go unanswered and make her call a second time. Put some pressure on her. I do not think this necessarily means you are shooting yourself in the foot. From what I recall, she objected to your control issues and lack of acknowledgement. This does not mean she wants you to roll over and become a wimp. You can be strong and decisive without being controlling or abusive. Read some of the posts of Blackfoot. He makes some very good points in this regard (though at times he sounds a bit narcissistic to me).
This “spookiness” is what makes you the pursuer, pushing her away and is possibly a large part of your problems. Talk to the counselor about this.
