I'm moving from the Newcomers forum so I'm new to the Infidelity forum.
ThatGuy: 37 years old W: 35 years old R: 20 years M: 14 years S: 5 months Kids: S6, D9 Sitch: typical WAW, OM - EA/PA 2 years. I stayed in house. W lives in small town 70 miles away, only 5 minutes from OM. Trade kids every other week, kids attend school in my town. The Bomb: 7/11/04 DBing: since 4/1/05 (4 1/2 months) Previous Threads: here and here (on Newcomers)
My story is very typical WAW story. Didn't know a thing was wrong until the bomb. W was very honest and told me everything about the A. She was brutally honest and very upfront. I was a typical total wreck and did everything wrong. A few days after the bomb W took everyone's (family, friends, etc.) advice and tried to work on the M. She could never totally leave OM. Both of us agreed that a S was needed to keep our sanity after 9 months of W staying in the house but continuing the A. The S was going to be a 3 month test so W rented an apartment. I discovered DBing about 3 weeks into the S. It has kept me from filing for D. Thanks goodness for DB! At the end of the 3 months W wouldn't move back home and she rented a townhome near OM about 70 miles from the city I live in. That's where the sitch is now.
I've handled the S poorly. DBing has helped me handle it better than if I was doing it alone, but I still need much improvement. After recently reading MF's old thread "1 Year of DBing", I now see that the Infidelity forum is where I belong. This is where I can get the best help with dealing (or not dealing) with OM.
Right now I'm committing myself to acting like OM does not exist. I'm going to be W's new best friend. I'm working on really listening to her and validating her. MF's suggestion of pretending you are one of her GF's is a good tip. It's going to require me to get rid of a lot of anger and resentment. From now on only W's feelings are important. I can't dump my hurt feelings on her anymore.
I just know if I had grasped this concept many months ago, things would be much better right now (not completely fixed but better). No more wasted time. I now see how DBing can cause the A fall apart instead of the A causing our M to fall apart.
Any pointers on how to get rid of my anger and resentment? Why can't I just talk to/treat W like I do my friends and coworkers, and just let it go? Maybe I'm trying too hard.
