My W is also very reluctant talking about it. And I think in a way it makes her feel worse as the way she does tend to talk about it often start with 'I know I am disappointing you...' 'I know I don't give you enough...', etc.
It's a kind of a defeatist approach, but i have realized by now it's VERY hard to break that circle. This morning I tried to provide good 'after care' (dear god, let me never use that phrase in her presence ), I got up early to make coffee, gave her some good morning hugs (making sure there wasn't any sexual ambiguity to it). In a sense I think that's important. That whenever we are intimate in some way, or I give her a lot of love and affection (and getting little in return), that there isn't a 'score to be kept'. that she doesn't have to 'live up to me' or that I want something in return for it.
Over the last days/weeks, I have come to realize how some of my own behavior has been destructive. By telling her how much I show affection, and how much I am in need for some as well, I think it both adds to the pressure of 'having to show affection and desire', and adding to a feeling of guilt of not 'giving me what I need' or being 'selfish'.
It's a hard mindset to achieve, trying to take things as they come, giving your W love and affection WITHOUT expecting anything in return. It's hard as it means you will have to deal with your own hurt and feelings of rejection and abondonement in a possitive way, and that is VERY hard I can tell you.
But peronally, if you do alter your own expectations, as in not going for demand driven thoughts as 'It's been a week since we last had any initmacy', 'I have given her so much, why doesn't she give me any?', it does become easier. Because if you expect something in return at some point (ie checking the 'score' or how long it has been since, how you have been giving and giving and it's about damn time for something in return), you are setting yourself up for disappointment and feelings of unfairness, rejection and resentment. It's not easy, but I try to expect nothing and hope and appreciate whatever will come my way.
The most important to me was that she now recognizes and acknowledges my feelings of rejection, abandonement, frustration and hurt. We have talked about this, and she understands I was most of all hurt by her ignoring and avoiding how I got emotionally hurt by her 'ploys' to be avoid intimacy as those most of all gave me signals of rejection and not feeling loved.
It's a long and fragile process I guess, rebuilding mutual trust and an open and honest approach to intimnacy, and disconnecting the love/intimacy/sex/guilt circle.
), I got up early to make coffee, gave her some good morning hugs (making sure there wasn't any sexual ambiguity to it). In a sense I think that's important. That whenever we are intimate in some way, or I give her a lot of love and affection (and getting little in return), that there isn't a 'score to be kept'. that she doesn't have to 'live up to me' or that I want something in return for it. 