In a nutshell, my wife and I are having desire realted issues. For a few months now, our sex life has gradually become less frequent.
The thing is, my wife says 'she wants to want to have sex'. We have talked about it before, and it is more some anxiety problem. She tells me she enjoys having sex with me, but she can't 'give in to it' or 'relax'. Part of the problem is that she has been having sex with me 'more often' because it 'makes you happy'. I think she now feels it more as pressure, as a duty or some nuisance perhaps even. She doesn't want to talk much about it. I understand it might be uneasy for her, but I want to talk about it, and find out if there is a way we can both feel relaxed and comfortable about having sex again.
Recently we had some good talks, as she more and more started using 'evasive' tactics. Like, she stopped carressing or kissing me on the couch watching TV, and instead more or less kept a distance. She would come home and would have 'chores'. We would have a nice diner, and a nice evening, but then she'd find something she 'really needs to do', or she'd go to bed and say she's really tired, or 'fall asleep' on the couch, etc.
After being patient all this time, I finally talked to her about it. I told her how I felt she was clearly avoiding me on an emotional/physical basis, and effectively making up excuses for any kind of intimacy. She loves a good snuggle, but she even avoids that as it gives her anxiety that it 'will turn into sex', so basically she avoids any kind of intimacy, ie, avoids me and my needs.
After talkig about this, and after I told her how all this hurts me a lot, she recognizes how it does hurt me, and she better understands my emotions now. Also, what is also important to me is how we have always sworn to each other to always be 'open' and 'honest'. So yes, that is a part of the problem as well, as she hasn't been open and honest about it, and used 'ploys' to evade whatever troubles her.
I have told her how I 'don't want to have sex with here' for the coming time, but that I simply want to her and me to learn how to be initmate again without any pressure or anxiety for having sex. This of course is not easy, as a lot of things (like touching her or kissing her in a certain way) still make her immediately worry about 'sex'. We can now snuggle in a more comfortable way, and she does like it, but I feel how she's still very much on guard with anything 'sexual'.
She says she wants to have sex, and I really believe she means that. But the also says she has a problem with it, how she can't help feeling anxious about it, and she doesn't know why, or what she should do about it. I'd love to help her or be patient, and I have told her I'll do whatever she wants or is comfortable with. But there's not much progress going on, and I do feel inner frustration, and it's very hard to control this and not let it influence my emotions as I know it will make it only harder for her. But then again, the emotion and frustration is real, the doubts are real, the feeling of not being loved are real, I would say it's the toughest thing I have ever had to deal with as I realize how destructive these emotions can be.
