To do my bible study daily and pray. To go to the gym regularly and stay in shape. To look for the positives. Stop criticizing and communicate how I feel instead Use the "I" statements instead of the "you" Patience, patience, patience Accept that we love each other and are both committed to making this work. Get to a place where I can re-marry H (he's asked) Forgive, and trust, leave the rest up to God Find a hobby that I enjoy and pursue it Don't get mad at H when he doesn't plan something for our day off together (we have every other Thurs). Ask him what he'd like to do, help him to plan, and trust that he will make that a priority (it's always my "job") Don't get upset when he plans to play golf with his friends (big issue. I think H makes this a priority, but doesn't make planning for us a priority)
Just re-looking my goals. I have done pretty good on all of them, but things are getting "weird" with H. He has been in a touchy mood the last week. He forgot his meds on Friday, so that was part of it, but he seems determined to drag me into an argument. I'm not sure why. The arguments don't even get us anywhere, so I'm refusing to argue with him. I've been upbeat and pleasant for the most part and it's making him uncomfortable. Maybe because I stay quiet rather than say something sarcastic or hateful. He is constantly asking for reassurance from me, and asking if I'm OK. Is it possible that he sees my anger and control as a sign that I care for him? When I take those things out of our R, he seems to get insecure and moody. I'm feeling much better and more grounded. I'm refusing to react to his little dramas, his lies, his mess-ups and am being supportive, but not taking over like I used to. I have taken so much responsibility for his life, it's time for him to deal with his problems without my ever present advice and help. I feel like a burden has been lifted. If he wants to hang out with the young kids at work, so be it. If he wants to distance himself from me by lying and hiding stuff, then he can do that and figure it out. I'm detaching from his depression and the constant emotions he tries to create in our household. At least for a little while, my life is going to be about me, me being happy and my kids in spite of what he is doing or saying to keep things in turmoil.
Counseling was a bust last night. He told the MC that I don't give him credit for anything or give him a chance to take care of his responsibilities. Not true.. I think I've been patient, but if I need to keep my mouth shut and be patient more, I will. He has a bad check that he wrote while we were separated back in April. He was supposed to pick it up two weeks ago and didnt. It's not on my account, so I think I'll let the subject drop and see what happens. I've been so worried that he'll go to jail, but I'm not going to worry about the consequences of his actions anymore.
Kind of a downer post.. I'm feeling less than hopeful about our future together right now. I'm just backing way way off and am going to refuse to let him drag me into his problems. Maybe he'll realize what he'd doing and learn to have some self control!
