Thought I would come back and post more history on our sitch and put some goals down for myself. We've been together 18 years. Got off to a rocky start and had good years and bad. H has lied to me throughout our M, mostly about financial things. When we first married, he couldn't shake an old GF of his and started hiding letters from her. I know now that he wasn't trying to have a R with her, but hid her letters so I wouldnt be hurt. When I found them, it started a cycle of jealousy and distrust for me. I was a miserable newlywed. He's a good looking guy and women gravitate toward him. He's a good listener and is sweet. I've seen his women friends flirt with him and him pretend not to notice. I think this comes from him being overweight and always being a friend to girls, but not the boyfriend. When he joined the Army and lost weight, he didn't realize how attractive he is and that he is now definately not just the friend anymore! He has a hard time not listening when they want to share their problems and intimate details with him because that's the way it was when he was younger... with not much chance of an R. Anyway, I ended up having a one night stand when I went out with one of my GFs on a trip to see my family. It hurt him pretty bad, because he was faithful to me. he didnt see how the start of our marriage helped me to feel insecure and like he wasn't completely mine. I felt awful, and he basically just let it go.. hid his feeling and we moved on. In our 7th year of M, he had an affair with a co-worker. Just a sex thing he says. he felt bad about himself, and she offered. They were off and on for 9 months, but it wasn't an emotional thing. It ended with her calling me.. a mess! He never offered to leave for her and we worked to make our M better, again. We didn't talk much about it. I just lived with the feelings I had.. it took a toll on our sex life. I couldnt relax and he felt guilty. I felt undesirable and all I could see was them together in my mind for years. We grew apart.. I grew bitter.. he grew angry. I started partying after work with friends.. looking for "something". Finally, when he wouldn't stop lying when I was pregnant with our third child, I asked him to leave. I was just tired of the mind games and pain. I had cheated on him again, blaming it on revenge and that I felt unloved and undesirable. We divorced in Dec of 2000 after a year apart. I moved on and started dating (not the guy I cheated with, I didnt leave H to go to another R). He, without knowing it, started to DB. He did everything right. He was kind and my friend. He let me know that he loved me. He was always just what I needed and didn't mention the other man, or argue with me about anything. He got his act together and paid his bills, supported himself. I saw in him the man I married and wanted to be with. We eventually reconciled, but didn't re-marry. We agree to put the past behind us and forgive. That was 4 and a half years ago. After that, we had the most awesome, loving relationship. We rarely argued at all. Finally, I felt loved and secure. We planned our future together with no doubts. We found God and got active in our church. Until last July. He lost his job and didn't tell me. It was the friday before we were leaving before vacation and he hid that from me. I came home to a mess. H with no job, a big lie between us. S(19) moving off to college. I used to say we were doing good, but still not communicating. I feared that we would hit a bump in the road and it all would fall apart. Well, it happened this spring. I've found out that he didn't really forgive me for divorcing him and moving on with my life. My R with the other man hurt him deeply... I was blind to that. He said he sat in his apt and waited and prayed that I would come to my senses. He buried his hurt so that we could move on. He knows where I am now with this. It's hard to imagine two people who love each other so much hurting each other in the ways we have over the years. We've each been living for ourself and we've finally admitted that. Surprisingly, our kids have been sheltered a lot from the dirty details. Thank God! We've got a chance now to build our R on a solid foundation. I see major changes in my H and he says he sees changes in me. I guess the thing that kills me is that I thought we had a new start on a solid foundation before. I've been faithful and the best mate I could be since we got back together. I didn't know I would end up paying for the divorce like this... that we still had issues hanging around. That he could EVER be with someone else after all we've been through and how close we were. He says most of this is from his depression.. that he couldnt feel anything for anyone.
Anyway, that's the ugly history. All the stuff that happened before the divorce seems so far away, like we've lived two lives together. This may be life number three for us. Our friends think we're the perfect couple and say when we're together, no one else exists. That we act like newlyweds. And still I wonder how we could be so selfish and hurt each other the way we have. We feel lost without each other, we want the same things and love our kids. We have a big communication problem I know.. it's getting better. And we both are big softies.. we can't stay mad for long and don't fight much. This right now is the most we've ever argued. And still, we usually end the arguments with an understanding that we love each other. We have some habits to change!
My goals:
To do my bible study daily and pray. To go to the gym regularly and stay in shape. To look for the positives. Stop criticizing and communicate how I feel instead Use the "I" statements instead of the "you" Patience, patience, patience Accept that we love each other and are both committed to making this work. Get to a place where I can re-marry H (he's asked) Forgive, and trust, leave the rest up to God Find a hobby that I enjoy and pursue it Don't get mad at H when he doesn't plan something for our day off together (we have every other Thurs). Ask him what he'd like to do, help him to plan, and trust that he will make that a priority (it's always my "job") Don't get upset when he plans to play golf with his friends (big issue. I think H makes this a priority, but doesn't make planning for us a priority)
He has a friend at work that I associate with OW. They all work together. I want H to introduce me to this guy so that I'll feel better about him. Last week he lied and hung out after work with him even though he knew it would set up doubt in my mind about where he was and what he was doing. Im going to be patient while H works this out, and not say snotty things when he talks to him on the phone. They guy only calls on his cell like it's hush hush and secret, and won't call our house. I do know it's a guy and not OW because I've talked to him a couple of times. H has promised that he'll find a way to introduce me and says that I'll see what a nice guy he is and feel better. I feel like I don't exist for him when he's at work.. like that's his secret life. He's been calling me every day to help those feelings, and it's helping. I'm trying really really hard to not snoop and look at his cell, caller ID or our phone records. It just makes me doubt because I don't know who's calling him anyway, I can only see the outgoing calls. And if its his friend XX, mind wanders to maybe he's using him as a go-between between him and OW, or something like that. I'm also not going to read his email or check up on him that way. If I choose to trust, well, I need to act like I trust. If I get into the habit of acting in a trusting way, won't it be easier?
Thats about it. He called awhile ago and sounded happy. I know he can tell I'm feeling much better about us. Sometimes though, if I'm in a good place, I think H thinks we can sweep this all under the rug and relax. He then seems surprised if I backslide and have a bad day. I'm trying not to do that, but I don't want the issues to get buried either. I need to learn how to bring up my feelings without making him feel like I'm making him "pay" in some way. I did this the other night successfully and he was so caring with me and held me while I cried. I could sense his frustration. So, maybe the next time I'll just come here and vent my negative feelings, and then just deal with the real issues the correct way with him. I just get so frustrated and want to run away when we have a rough day.
H is at work. I'm gonna get some cleaning done and play with the kids. It's rainy here. I'm hoping he'll cuddle and watch a movie with me tonight. I'm not going to bring up R talk at all and concentrate on what's positive about our R right now. Surely I can do that for ONE day!
