Hi all, I've decided to start a new thread for our sitch based on the place we are and talking about our control issues was hi-jacking rotzilla's thread . Here's our sitch.
Me: 38
H: 40
S(19), D(11), S(5), S(2)
H moved out at my request in March due to his out of control spending and lying. I asked him to leave not knowing what a horrible idea that was. He had a one-night-stand with a co-worker much younger and it developed into a "friendship". I begged and pleaded until he moved back in, but he refused to give up his friendship with her. They still say that it was just a friendship and the night was a drunken, lonely mistake. But still, he was talking to her behind my back and lying about it. He called her all the time, and it really looked like they had a romantic relationship going on. They didn't see each other outside of work, but at work, they acted like a couple of teenagers. Finally, when he hit bottom with depression, they broke off their R (but still work together), and he moved back home to work things out. We're dealing with trust issues, my insecurity, his guilt, his feeling that I try to control him, my feeling that he won't take responsibility for anything, and I've caught him in an occasional lie that makes me think things will never change. He says he lies to protect me, or because it's an old habit he's trying to break. I'm dealing with him saying ILYBINILWY, and him walking out twice because he wouldnt break off the friendship. He says it was an excuse to run from our problems. I accept that most of the time, but the memories of that day still haunt me. It's getting better. He is being treated for depression and I've seen HUGE changes in him. He's loving, supportive and understanding. We communicate better than we ever have. My need to control so that I won't be hurt again, his reluctance to ever cause a ripple or hurt my feelings, and the fact that I'm having a hard time finding my feelings for him again are issues also. I've put a wall up in my heart, and it's coming down slowly. I feel like our happy marriage has been stolen and I just want to feel secure and loved again. I know I need to choose to forgive and to trust. I'm working on that. The images of him and OW are not going through my mind as much, but ML is just not the same. It's much better physically and in frequency, but the intimacy is fleeting. I give H credit, no matter how angry I've been, what I've said, how much I've cried or threatened to end this for good, he's been patient, kind and loving to me. We are seeing a Christian MC, and it's helping.

JOURNALING:

Yesterday was a good day after a couple of rough weeks for us. I didn't think H was putting forth an honest effort to do things that will help us move forward. He needs to find another job. I hate it that he still works with her. He looked half-heartedly (my opinion) for three months, and I've been angry about that. Many angry outbursts on my part unfortunately. I'm gonna send him into his shell with that if I don't stop. He also has some financial obligations hanging around from when he was spending furiously. He was laid off last year and instead of saving, he blew a lot of money and put us in a bad place. Me, I took control and I think that made him feel even less like a man But after counseling last monday and discussing how important it is for him to be doing the right things instead of just saying them, he's gotten right on the list of things that need to be done. He's still not helping me with the finances like he's promised, but we did sit down last night and plan the next two months budget together. He said he needs to learn to do some of the stuff and asked me to be patient. All I want to see is the effort!

I brought him to this board and showed him some of the threads. He read Rotzilla's and Rotzuki's and we both can see how control issues play out between two people who only want the best. That's us for sure! Positive: I didnt take control of the computer when he was typing in the budget or tell him how to do things "my way". The MC said that he needs to apologize to the the woman he slept with for sinning with her. He was uncomfortable with that, and I thought just doing it for closure for me. We talked about it and I told him that it's OK to do what's comfortable for HIM and not for me. That I wouldnt pressure him to get that closure and that I'd be OK. He said that he needs closure too and still wants to apologize if she's willing, and he said he wouldnt do it without me there. Major progress. Alleviates my fear that he's just trying to open that friendship door. I wrote her a letter last night (we've talked before), and it basically says that I don't carry bad feelings around for her, and want her to move on to a good life. If you knew the history with her, you'd know that it's appropriate. At one point she told us that she wanted to be friends with both of us. Screwed up, but she sounds like just a young woman who's searching for something. I don't want this situation to end badly for her either. I shared in my letter how much God loves her and can provide all she needs to be happy. It was a positive thing for me, and I hope she'll feel better after reading it. My H isnt the only person at their work that she has messed around with, and she's going down a path that I've been down myself. Forgiving them is bringing me peace, and I've realized that trusting H again is a decision I need to make. I'm trying to approach this with a PMA, looking toward the future, praising the efforts he's making instead of looking for proof that he doesn't love me all the time. Replace the negative with the positive. I did so good yesterday with not reacting to things that didn't go my way, and not telling him what to do. And guess what guys? When I look for the positive, I see it. He really is trying!! He made me and D11 salads last night, he picked up the house yesterday and did some laundry. Took S5 to the library. He went to see his grandmother and left her a note that he'd come back next week when she wasnt home. He got our DSL installed. Initiated ML last night. We're going places! We talked calmly about respecting each other and taking care of each other's needs. And, I told him how important it is that he point out when I'm being controlling because I don't want to be that way. I need his help.

That's it for now. It's a rocky road we're on. I love him more than anyone and I know in my heart that he feels the same. He pours out his love for me every day, but it's hard for me to trust that. After he said ILYBINILWY I just think about all the times he's said that and didn't really mean that. I'm afraid of being manipulated, that I'm his second choice, and that things will go back to the way we were. I know his depression is a lot of the problem and that losing his job, and our S19 moving off to college started him going downhill, but I had no clue. It's scary to learn that your S is so unhappy and you never knew, and they didnt ask for help. I was SO happy and would have done anything to keep from ending up here.