Well, your advice and my acceptance of it got me through the night. W is quite pleasant, acting as if nothing has happened. I feel like I live in Florida. The ocean seems so calm and peaceful; you just want to jump right in and play. Then the hurricanes come!
I'm still hurt, but I'm not moaning an groaning to her. I didn't sleep with her last night; in fact one kids slept with me. I guess D7 felt sorry for me.
I know a closet isn't that hard to build, but the rooms are pretty small, so any closet added to an existing bedroom will cut down the size of the bedroom or an adjacent room. IKEA has some nice wardrobes that she says she likes; also we could remake the existing closets to make them more efficient. We never seem to get it done.
W said last night that many of our neighbors, including the mothers of D7's classmates, have slighted her and insulted her in many ways. I nodded, but I want to tell her to grow up. These neighbors are talkative, confident and active. W and I are quiet, somewhat insecure, and rather lazy. There are hundreds of people living in our neighborhood. Surely they don't all hate her. In any case, it's not my problem. I'll listen and I'll offer advice, but she needs to change. I don't talk to the neighbors much, but then I don't really want to.
Paul, have you read Dobson's book, Love Must Be Tough"?
NOP and I both highly recommend it. Here's a blurb:
"Is there one symptom common to troubled marriages that if left untreated hastens the drift toward divorce for millions of couples? Dr. James Dobson believes there is. That most serious indicator of potentical family breakup is disrespect.
Love Must Be Tough squarely addresses this often overlooked problem by carefully demonstrating that at the core of most marital conflicts, such as infidelity, alcoholism, spousal abuse, emotional distance, etc., lies a vicious kind of indifference that can sabotage a relationship.
Dr. Dobson believes that the source of this creeping separateness is usually one one partner, and he offers practical help for the other spouse who wants desperately to hold the marriage together. What emerges is a principle of loving toughness that offers the best chance of rekindling romantic interest and drawing the offending partner "back home.'
In fact, Dr. Dobson't strategy, proven successful in hundreds of documented cases, is uniquely valuable because, unlike other approaches, it often works without the willing cooperaton of the other person. It is thoughtful, practical, and can be helpful to almost anybody - singles, newlyweds, or long marrieds who want to build a relationship based on mutual respect and love."
I truly believe that NOP and I progressed as we did primarily *because* of the underlying respect we had for each other.
One of the reviews wrote, "This is a book on relationships, and how one must always maintain their dignity and confidence regardless of what the relationship throws his way, and how appeasement may force a relationship apart because lack of self-respect causes a lack of respect for you among others."
Thanks for sharing that info I too am going to look into that book. I know by allowing my W to disrespect me it fostered disrespect in myself. Since I have refused to let her show disrespect it has improve our life. Thanks again.
That's interesting the way you put it: "I refuse to let my W show me disrespect." In other words, she can throw a tantrum and turn blue, but you won't allow her to disrespect you. I like it. Having this viewpoint requires you to have a high level of self-respect. I have to admit, as much as it bothered me when my W was having her pout, I enjoyed not having to talk to her. I guess you have to find the silver lining.
Paul; Yes that's part of it but I also stop her at times and call her on the the fact that what she said or did is disrespectfull and refuse to listen or be with her until she apoligize for it. It works both ways and has helped.
I just wanted to post on a typical day, one that is neither chaotic nor in the afterglow of a romantic evening. During the last few days the family have gotten along well. The kids are in school and W and I have shared fun and laughter, and have had some relatively serious talk. It turns out that she was very anxious about the kids' returning to school, because she dreaded meeting the mothers, who she feels had not respected her. She was detemined to make a fresh start with the new parents of the kindergarten kids. Well, guess what? Dozens of mothers have spoken with her, all with friendly tones. Many have had extended convos with W. Suddenly there is no urgency for us to move to another neighborhood. We are not in the school's "inner circle," who volunteer for so many things and seem to have boundless energy, but we are gradually being accepted.
I suggested that this is an excellent time for us to stop sleeping with the kids. W agrees that DD7 should sleep alone, but insists on sleeping with DS5. I can assure you, DS5 is quite ready to sleep alone, but is happy to continue sleeping with mom. At least the discussions do not turn ugly.
Sounds like things are improving, even if it's just slightly. Makes a big difference when a big stressor is removed from the mix (school starting) doesn't it?
Yes, things were really bad there a month ago or so. I was ready to leave. Thing is, school starting was not a stressor for me. I figured that W and I would have a lot more time together.
Yesterday, I went to visit a town that's full of new houses reasonably priced. I called her and said, "You won't believe the houses here!" She didn't care a lick. It's a different flavor this month. It's hard to keep up with her!
