Paul: Courtesy is all that you should be giving her right now. You can invite her to go to MC, a walk, or a talk, but I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole if I were you. Courtesy for the next week, and then work on talking with her. In the meantime, work on yourself some more.
I'm listening to the CD of "Secrets of a Passionate Marriage" and it provides some great insights. I bet your library has it.
Finally, this clothing thing. How about this: Go to the hardware store and get about 100 feet of 1/8 inch cable. Get two eyeloops for the ends. Run it through all of your clothing (up one sleeve, out the collar, up a pant leg, etc.) and then up and around the closet rod. Padlock the ends together. She still might be able to get a pair of cable cutters and take your clothing downstairs, but it'll make it a lot harder for her. And if she does, then go ahead and concede that the upstairs closet is hers. As a peace offering, perhaps a fish or a bit of boiled cauliflower in the pocket of one of her blazers or coats in the closet would let her know that, although she won the battle, the war is not over.
Wow...I just read that and it is really nasty. Let me know if it works.
First of all, as a fellow conflict-avoiding Paul, I do empathize with you, I really do. But you need to work on some simple respect and boundaries issues, in my opinion, before you not only WORK on the sex, but I would suggest, before you even HAVE sex with your wife.
Basically, you're letting her treat you like crap, and yet you're willing to make love to her. What do you think that says to her about YOU?
Although, short-term, she may enjoy the "winning," I do suspect that, long-term, her "victories" are sucking out what little physical desire she has for sex with you.
I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's where you need to start.
I do wish you well, and will add that I'm doing a fairly crappy job myself of this whole SL/marriage thing.
Paul: Your relationship with Ms.Paul is destroying your integrity.
Quote: Integrity comprises the personal inner sense of "wholeness" deriving from honesty and consistent uprightness of character. The etymology of the word relates it to the Latin adjective integer (whole, complete). Evaluators, of course, usually assess integrity from some point of view, such as that of a given ethical tradition or in the context of an ethical relationship.
You need to rebuild, reassert, and be resolved to maintain your integrity.
You, sir, are not a doormat. There are a lot of links to sites which discuss integrity. Try Wikipedia. I thought the Quaker's testimony of integrity was very interesting.
Thanks for the pep talk, Hairdude! I am working on this, I really am. Yesterday, during one of our usual "crisis" at the Chocolateeyes household, I was trying to help solve a schedule confict for Mrs. Choc. She was steaming over the situation (not my fault, just a scheduling conflict in a busy-with-4-kids life), and just IGNORED what I was saying.
Choc.: Hello? I'm trying to talk to you.
Mrs. Choc.: (nothing)
Choc.: I don't appreciate being ignored when I'm trying to help you.
Mrs. Choc.: (screaming now) Well, I can't DO all of this, I'm only one person, and blah-blah-blah...
Choc.: (calmly) Well, first you're ignoring me, and now you're screaming at me, and I can't talk to you when you're like this. (walking away)
Mrs. Choc.: (seething) Well, fine, DON'T talk to me, I really don't care, blah-blah-blah..
Later yesterday, she called me and was VERY nice and sweet, and even apologized (altho, as usual, the actual WORDS "I'm sorry" still don't manage to ever cross her lips, but for HER it was an apology) for her behavior that morning.
That may not seem huge for the rest of you, but for me this was one in a series of three moments recently where I've been doing a better job of not putting up with her tantrums.
Okay, I am typically not the one to state the obvious... but from your telling of the tale, it seems rather obvious that R-E-S-P-E-C-T is non-existant between you and your W, and the only thing present are power and control issues.
This is not a loving relationship. Love does not flourish in the absence of respect. It can't.
Paul, I'd do some very serious thinking, if I were you, on what 'respect' means to you... integrity, as hairdog put it... or 'self-respect'... and what it means to you to respect others. Define it. Own it. It is the basic foundation upon which we all operate. Yours, it seems, as well as hers, is all over the board, or completely non-existant.
I'd ask her to do the same and hold her to it. Until you two do this, at the very least... the War of the Closet is only going to escalate... scheduling anything is going to be yet another power game...
`Paul; In my not so humble opinion this closet thing is sign of her disrespect for you and you need to quit being a door mat. Take this for what your paying for it. I would consider this. Take a bunch of her stuff that she hasn't worn in the last year out of the closet put it down stairs and put your things back in. Tell her that doing the closet game with you is disrespectfull to you and if she EVER does it again that there will ramifications for this! If she does, I would build her a walk-in closet while she is on a trip in the basement and put everything in it. I would then pad lock the closet in the bedroom with my stuff in it. I also think you need to make an effort to clean up and get everything set up well. I would also try and see if you could build a bigger closet in the bedroom while she is gone as peace offering and in that closet there would be a area that is yours and yours alone. I know with the help of a construction buddy I could get a closet built and done in a week end. Stand tall and don't let her walk all over you.
Paul, HDs idea might just be the ticket if your W responds to absurd comedy .
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I think I get it. I know what makes me happy. I have been allowing many people and events to keep me from what makes me happy. W can choose. If she wants to keep me from being happy then she will see that I have found a new path toward happiness. If she wants me, she will change.
I'm going to go work in the garden with my kids now, because there's nothing in the world I'd rather do.
.