First of all, as a fellow conflict-avoiding Paul, I do empathize with you, I really do. But you need to work on some simple respect and boundaries issues, in my opinion, before you not only WORK on the sex, but I would suggest, before you even HAVE sex with your wife.
Basically, you're letting her treat you like crap, and yet you're willing to make love to her. What do you think that says to her about YOU?
Although, short-term, she may enjoy the "winning," I do suspect that, long-term, her "victories" are sucking out what little physical desire she has for sex with you.
I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's where you need to start.
I do wish you well, and will add that I'm doing a fairly crappy job myself of this whole SL/marriage thing.
