I Married the Wrong Woman

[Cathy47]

I must respond, however, to your comment that another man would have her "eating out of his hand." The reference is, I believe, to horses, indicating that a good horse trainer has such control of an animal that she will eat right out of his hand with no danger of his getting bitten.

You need to read a book by Monty Roberts called Horse Sense For People. You will learn that a horse trainer's goal is not to control the animal but to alleviate the animal's basic fears and come to a point with the animal that there is mutual love and respect. Once you are at that point with the animal neither one of you have to worry about being bitten.

I did not enter marriage with this intent. I want an equal partner, not a beast to be whipped into shape. I had held out hope that W could evolve into partner worthy of my companionship. I am coming to the conclusion that this may never happen.

If you related to your wife during one of her tirades the same way a horse trainer relates to his horse then you would find yourself with an equal partner. I didn't suggest you "whip" your wife into shape. I suggested you show some respect for yourself and her, which is the best move you could make for yourself, her and your children. I'm not sure why you want to equate setting boundaries with someone's behavior with abuse of that person.

You say you had hoped that your wife could evolve into a partner "worthy" of your companionship. That is a rather smug statement to make isn't it? Maybe her anger comes from knowing you don't feel she is worthy of your companionship. She is, according to your posts a very angry woman who has a tendency to blow up periodically. That anger is based in some sort of fear. It's an energy within her that gets pent up and has to be released from time to time. Any good horse trainer will tell you that if you are dealing with a horse who periodically throws a fit then you are dealing with a horse who has not yet come to fully trust you as their trainer and owner. Could it be that your wife's fear is baased in some issue she herself is having with the marriage but is unable to identify? You post to this board about your issues with the marriage, you are able to communicate your issues and try and find a solution to what you feel are the problems in the marriage. Maybe she does not have the same talents for communication that you do. Maybe she has only a feeling to go on but has not yet been able to put words to those feelings. Your wife's behavior points to someone that is clearly in great distress over something and it may take you changing how you respond to her tirades for her to ever be able to identify what her issues are.

OG_Lou has about the same opinion as I have regarding a domicile. I have a short commute to work and would need a very good reason to exchange it for a much longer one. In addition, our cash flow each month is flat to negative.

This is not even about a house. She blows up, pitches her fits, demands a bigger house with a walk in closet, spends a few days making everyone miserable and then, things go back to normal for a bit. If the house was really what was behind the behavior she would not be dropping the issue. The house is an excuse for her to blow up, get rid of the repressed anger she is feeling. You are not the only one unhappy in the current state of your marriage. You are just the only one who is able to handle your unhappiness in a direct way.

Looking at your wife as being the wrong woman or unworthy of your companionship is going to get you nowhere as far as getting the problems in your marriage solved. It takes two to tango Paul, you aren't dancing alone here.

It's like Karen said, there are basic rules of respect and basic rules of engagement. I don't believe either one of you have learned that yet. You've made demeaning comments here about your wife and her value to you as a wife. You can't tell me those feelings you have about her do not come out loud and clear to her in your daily life. I know what it feels like to live with a man who thinks you are the one that needs to be fixed, that you are the one who needs to change and that if only you would change then you might be worthy of him and what he had to offer. It turns you into an angry person who blows their top periodically.

I don't mean to be hostile with you BUT, in my opinion, your wife is in pain, she deals with her pain in an immature fashion and she needs someone who is willing to exert some external control and boundaries. Not someone to whip her into shape but someone who loves her and himself enough to start acting in a way that will eventually mean they both get basic respect and love.

I imagine she is very worthy of you and I'm betting if you could open up her heart and look deep inside what you might see is deep feelings of shame and unworthiness that she feels about herself. No one who truly respects and loves themselves behaves the way your wife does.
Cathy