Facts are stubborn things, and I have been spending years trying to avoid the evidence that has been accumulating, but the conclusion is unavoidable. I married the wrong woman.
The events of the last week have forced me to this admission. About a week ago, she removed all my clothes from the room we share (but don't sleep in) and put them all in the basement. She forced me out of the "family bed" and made me sleep on a cot, and after a few days, when I refused to sleep on the cot, she and the kids slept on the cot. She behaved angrily and rudely for over a week. What sparked all this? It was her lack of a walk-in closet. Our house doesn't have a walk-in closet. It never has had a walk-in closet. Two days ago, when I pleaded with her to give me an explanation, she again reiterated that I need to either agree to move or rehab the house so that she can have a walk-in closet. The a few more conditions were added. She wants more bedrooms, an attached two-car garage, and by the way, we don't have any friends in the neighborhood. I calmly responded that as it is we are not able to save any money, and that if we move to where she wants to move, I will have two more hours a day of commuting to work. And if we want more friends in the neighborhood, we could, for instance, be friendly. No response.
This episode is not enough to force me to arrive at the conclusion that I married the wrong woman. But she deliberately caused more than a week of misery for herself and the entire family for the reason she stated, then, after I agreed to consider looking at some houses, she hasn't mentioned a word about real estate. All of a sudden many other things have gained importance. But again, in a week, a month or a year, I will again be blamed for her "suffering" in our house, a house I consider a bit cramped but perfectly ample, should we ever decide to clean it and organize our belongings.
When I imagined being married, I imagined hours spent together discussing ideas, taking walks and meals together, going to movies and plays, and of course plenty of nookie. Most if not all of these things are I'm sure what many women also imagine taking place in a marriage. None of these things happen with us. I am exhorted to earn more money while staying away from work as much as possible. I am expected to immediately focus on whatever her mind wanders toward. Now that she is back to "normal" I am again bombarded with commands. I almost wish she would go back to being mad!
I spent the better part of last week planning my escape from my he11, but I have put escape plans on hold. Many of us have married the wrong person, and yet we stay married. Perhaps she is coming to a realization that I am not going to change sufficiently to her liking. She is sullen a lot of the time. Her rejections of me are heartless and brutal. I don't know if I want to spend my golden years with such a person. I know that if I had to choose today, I would not marry her.
Paul That really sucks. And sounds familiar. I don't know exactly what to tell you. Things are getting better for me VERY slowly, and I think I can say that one big thing has made a difference: confidence. I know that what I am doing is usually good enough, that I don't have to change and do it HER way just because she says so. I know that when she is angry towards me that, a great deal of the time it is not my fault; she is reacting to something that is going on in her world and I just walk away and let her be angry. I try to be loving and ask her if there is anything I can do to help. If I have done something that is clearly, objectively wrong, I apologize. But I don't wallow in apology and self-blame like I used to.
Sounds like she is being unreasonable. Maybe the time has come for you to be firm and set the boundaries. You should refuse to sleep anywhere but your room and your bed. If she wants to sleep away from you, let her. Get those kids out of the "family bed." When you say she "forced" you out of the bed, did she have a gun? Was it loaded? Other than that, I'll bet you outweigh her. Let her rant and jump up and down. Then go to your bed.
And no more rejections that are "heartless and brutal." That's when you either go to another room to sleep, or lock her out of the bedroom. Tell her that it's not acceptable.
And as for the closet or the new house or the friends or whatever the bitch of the week is, look at it objectively and then discuss it with her calmly, when the kids aren't around. Try to work together as couple.
I'm not saying to dismiss anything she says as unreasonable. Just try to get her to discuss it like two adults.
Good luck, my friend. The road ahead is rocky, and there are no guarantees that the trip will be pleasant or that the destination will be worthwhile. Welcome to the unfairness that is marriage. Sometimes, however, the road is beautiful and it's nice to be on it with someone you love.
You have indeed been showing slow, steady improvement. I thought I had as well. Right now, if she were to ask me for a hug, I'd have to force myself to comply. That may have been part of the plan. She claims to feel uncomfortable that I demonstrate my attraction for her.
We had several comical scenes where I broght my clothes back up into the room where they belong, and she brought them right back into the basement. She is, if nothing else, stubborn. I allow that stubbornness is sometimes part of strength, but strength is so much more. Stubbornness is not by itself an admirable trait.
I'm not planning on sleeping with her tonight. I just don't want to yet. She's going away for a few days and when she comes back we'll see. She didn't force me out with a gun, she just showed an ugly, repulsive side that I hadn't seen in a long time.
I have no advice, but I just wanted to send hugs, sorry you're going through this. I know just how draining stuff like that can be.
I think each of us do have a point at where we have to say 'sorry, that's enough'. And stop working.
For me, even though I'm still 'in' my M, I think I've learned more about myself, and I think I've 'grown up' more since I stopped working than I ever did trying to figure out how to make things work. I've also learned a lot about H by watching how he tries to fill in the hole.
I had to read your post twice just to see if I was reading it right. OMG is all I can say.
Does your wife work? If she does not maybe she should so she can afford all the things she wants. They are not needs they are wants. Next time she has a temper tantram over something she wants I would tell her you will get it for her as soon she gives you the money for it.
You married the wrong woman? Sorry but that is a cop out!! I'm like Chrissy, I had to read your post twice to digest what you were saying. Listen, we teach people how to treat us. This woman/child you are married to would not be treating you with such hostility if she had been taught that she couldn't get a way with it.
From where I'm sitting I'm thinking it's your wife who married the wrong man. Ummm, some people need external influences when it comes to their behavior. They aren't able to police themselve internally and, until someone is willing to step up to the plate and externally say, "cut the bullshit out," then nothing is going to change.
Here is a suggestion, it's basically the same one Chrissy made. Tell her that if she wants a walk in closet and a bigger house to get herself a job and contribute to it. Tell her you were not put on earth to make her happy and you are tired of her thinking that's your job. Tell her you are sick and tired of her showoing disrespect for you and your children by throwing her childish tantrums and you are tired of the message it sends them about marriage and what marriage should be. Tell her it's her job to set an example for her children and that in the future you expect her to be mature enough to understand that means growing up and leaving the tantrums to the two year olds.
Put that woman you are married to in a relationship with the right man adn she would be eating out of the palm of his hand....it's about showing confidence and self-respect and setting some boundaries. Cathy
Cathy47. You have a good point. Not alowing someone to treat you crappy is one direction Paul needs to go in. His W is out of the norm. Please read his old posts.
Put that woman you are married to in a relationship with the right man adn she would be eating out of the palm of his hand From what I know, maybe in principal but I don't agree in actuallity. Paul's W has some unreasonable expectations and behaviors in my opinion. Defenitally not my type.
Paul. We are seeing you in an unreasonable situation. Getting firm and reasonable, is that too much to ask of your W? I don't think so.
What is the square footage of your house? How much more would the your W's house cost than the one you now have. I don't like the extra drive time. Any possability of something closer if you could afford it.
BB wants a condo in a couple of years that cost as much as our present house on an acre. Our present house has a little less than 1400 sq ft. I don't want to move. If push comes to shove, I think I am staying put.
That is why I asked if she worked lol. My OMG was to his wifes temper tantrum. And her display of such childish behavior and including her children in it. Actually she does not sound like someone anyone should be married to if she behaves like that often. She sounds like a spoiled brat. We all want things we don't have but stomping our foot like a two year old aint gonna get it for us. Work and determination and time does that. I did not say he was not married to the wrong woman. I cannot decide that for anyone not even my H. I just was pointing out if she wants something make her pay for it. And a bigger house, a closet and a garage are all wants not needs. Heck I want one of those money trees that seem to grow in other peoples backyards but I am not gonna throw a baby fit if I don't get one. Just in case I was read wrong I was siding with Paul. And encouraging him to not take his wifes BS.
Cathy (and MrsNOP, really, as this applies to her post on CeMar's thread as well):
I suppose that's mostly true -- many HD husbands do need to "grow a pair," as NOPkins likes to say from time to time. And intellectually, many of them know it, as Paul probably does -- he needs to be more confident, and strong.
But the "Catch-22" that often happens is, men -- especially HD ones -- derive their confidence and their strength largely from how we feel about our sex life.
So it ends up: To improve your sex life, you have to become less "needy" and more attractive to your wife. In order to become more attractive to her, you have to become stronger and more confident. BUT TO BECOME STRONGER AND MORE CONFIDENT, YOU NEED TO HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE!
It's tough to break into that "circle" and grow the pair you need.
Choc., who -- despite all of the above -- would still tell that woman that SHE can leave the BR!
