Quote: The only thing that confuses me about your post is that you thought it "sounded" better to call it an EA. Aren't they both sins? Does one sin carry more 'weight' than the other? I don't believe they do. I would confess them both, as it sounds like you committed them both, and then carry on. Why continue to punish yourself over it?
You’ve got me there. I don’t know why I thought it sounded better. Maybe it just seems like more of a personal failure to let it get physical. It’s easy to slip into an EA. You’re friends and the friendship gets a little stronger, a little more personal, and before you know it, you’re emotionally involved. A PA is a whole different animal. There is a definite line crossed when the clothes come off. I guess I didn’t want to admit that I crossed that line. Yes, both are sins – and the Bible tells us that in God’s eyes, a sin is a sin is a sin.
Quote: Fwiw, your marriage never would have been valid in my religion. Without consummating a marriage, and having regular sex throughout, a marriage is not valid. It is not a MARRIAGE in God's eyes, is what people of my faith believe. That is how serious it is to withhold sex from your spouse.
I understand that the Catholic Church doesn’t consider an unconsummated M to be a M at all. I agree that the Bible equates IC with M – Leah was given to Jacob instead of Rachael without his knowledge, but once they “did it” she was his wife. He had to put in another seven years to get Rachael. (that Laban was a slick one.)
On one level I agreed with that. That was one of the things I used to justify ending the M. But another part of me, a stronger part of me, looked at the other side of the coin. I did marry her and promised to be faithful to her through thick and thin. Malachi 2:16 says, “For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away”. Matthew 5:31 says, “But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.” Matthew 19:8 says, “He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.” There are plenty of others. God does not like divorce. And nowhere in the Bible do I see where God promises us happiness and fulfillment. I felt that in order to find true happiness, I would have to do what God wanted me to do.
Quote: I am not justifying what you did, because I do think you were acting like a turkey. But I think you repented and have moved on. However, the intense guilt has given your wife an upper hand that she never should have had. It seems like it may have frozen her in her f-ed up tracks. She gets to be the wronged partner and is not required to embark on personal growth.
I agree with all of that. W actually has handled uncomfortable situations by taking the supposed moral high ground. “You are the one who …”. She does get to be the wronged partner. And that has been an ongoing stumbling block in progressing. But it’s just as much a stumbling block for me as it is for her. Even if she never mentions it – heck, even if I never even actually say anything and give her the chance to say something – I always feel the guilt looming.
That guilt has been a heavy burden. It feels good to come clean here.
