So, my H and I had a good weekend. We saw two shows this weekend and went on a trip on Sunday. H and I have become friends with another couple and we hung out with them on Saturday night. They are younger but very nice people, and in spite of their age difference, way more mature than a lot of other people we know.
The show on Friday was a bust but I put in the effort to go. I knew that my H was looking forward to it and he has been making an effort to do things that I like and/or need, so I wanted to return the favor. H agreed that it was a pointless night. We were both tired and the show was just lame. He's starting to acknowledge that he isn't capable or interested in going out simply for the sake of going out. Something that he was doing for quite some time before and in the earlier stages of our separation.
Saturday night, like I mentioned above, was much better. Better show, fun to go out with another couple. H likes them both, which is also relatively new. Previously H did not like anyone and was very critical of just about everybody. It's good to see him open up more, especially to people who despite being young are very laid-back and NOT about the scene at all.
H and I had some R convos this weekend. My first convo was about friendships, specifically platonic male and female friendships. I handled it a little bit akwardly but I made the point that it was never H's friendship with women that I had a problem with but rather a friendship that was very unclear to all involved. Basically saying that it's fine to have female friends as long as the parimeters of that friendship are very clear to me and the ff. In spite of my akward delivery, my H didn't react badly and instead of my knee-jerk reaction of trying to make things go smoothly at the expense of myself, I just let the convo end on a neutral note. I'm finding that I need to make myself clear (as hard as that is for me) and be ok with making that point. Usually, I find that I backpedal if I see that something I have said has upset someone. Standing my ground is new for me.
On Sunday, H and I had a short walk. I mentioned to him that there were two things that he has been doing lately that has made a big difference for me. One was that he has been taking calls in front of me and showing me the weird calls that have been coming through at all hours on his cell phone. I knew he was going to ask why this made a difference to me and I said that "it was because of the issue I had with who might be calling you and the arguments that would erupt between us regarding that issue." I didn't come right out and say "because I would get upset when OW calls or texts you on your phone." H is no dummy. The only time I would get upset is when OW would call.
Thankfully, he didn't push it and I went on to say that the second thing I appreciated was that he has been willing to participate in convos about our past and answer questions for me. I told him that I see that he is committed to being more honest with me and that it was very important to me that he was. He hugged me and said "thank you. It's taken me a while to do and I'm glad that you have noticed."
What I know about my H is that if you continue to plant these seeds, they do grow. H is probably still doing some less-than honest things (I don't know because I stopped spying on him) but he's not going to feel as compelled. I hear seeds that I have been planting for quite some time, come out of his mouth as if they were his own ideas. Don't get me wrong, my H is very much a free-thinker but he's also very influenced by those around him. It's like two separate entities. Typical Gemini.
So, I approach that sitch by not taking a manipulative approach (like I have in the past) but rather with the understanding that my H needs positive influences in his life. It could be me or any infinite # of things or people. My goal is to provide a positive setting in our R, to help him AND myself.
