I needed a break from the BB for a little bit. Update- Things between H and I have been very good. It scares me actually. Strangely enough, I'm finding that I'm faced more with my own issues and fears that anything about the R or H.
H and I have been spending a lot of time with each other. We go into work together every day and H has been eating breakfast with me every morning instead of going back to his house. We've had a lot of very productive talks and spending much quality time together.
So here's the problem- I'm scared sh**less! I'm very frightened of being hurt again or making mistakes. Instead of trying to push things in our R faster, I've decided to slow them down. I have said to H that it will take some time before I am ready to move back inw ith him and I mean it. I'm finding that everytime I try to push things before they are ready, I freak out! I had a night of no sleep the other night because H couldn't sleep. I became convinced that he had something that he wasn't sharing with me, so I couldn't fall asleep. Perfect example of how much my fears still control me. I need to be able to see if my fears are true before I react to them. So what if my H wasn't sharing something with me? How would I know, what are the signs? How do I approach it if it were true?
Until I have these steps secure, I won't be able to commit to resume living with him.
We have had a couple of convos about OW. Nothing too big, more laying the groundwork for more in-depth discussions later on. Right now, I need him to understand that this is an issue that I still need to work through with him and I need him to see that I won't lose my s**t at the mere mention of her name. Good signs on that front, he has gotten to a point where he is answering his cell phone in front of me. He even showed me his cell phone when a strange # kept calling in. Also, OW had a derby match this past weekend and H did not attend. So, good signs and much progress.
I'm reading "Not Just Friends" on the advice of fellow dbers. It's a really good book but I can only read it while at work, which is rough. It makes me upset to read even though I find it extremely helpful. I have been reading several chapters once a week, while on my lunch break. I make sure I give myself a good 30 mins. to do mindless window shopping after reading. I find that it helps to break my obsessive thinking and allows me to return to work with a clear head. It's also helped to show me how much I use shopping as a form of escape!
I'd like to begin to talk to my H more about OW sitch. I'd love the advice of other dbers as I go along. Anyone on the board who has done this without a therapist? My H won't go for one and I won't push for one unless it's absolutely necessary.
