I'm enjoying two supervisor-free days at work and hoping to get a lengthy post in. Update- H and I have been enjoying some very good time together. Pretty low-key, not so much drama. H and I have had some very good talks on our Sunday walk and I have been keeping the R talks to a minimum.
Here's a recap of some of what we have discussed. 2 weeks ago H blew up at me because I brought up "heavy" topics at innapropriate times. We agreed to talk about them over the weekend. I used the rest of the week to think things through and simultaneously not let these thoughts affect me too greatly in my daily encounters with H. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. Anyway, I thought over what I wanted to say and narrowed it down to a few digestible points. These were: 1. I'm very happy with R now but I need to know these are permanent changes. 2. I need to be able to discuss past events and actions with my H. This helps me to reach understanding. Without understanding, I am left to draw conclusions which usually aren't good. 3. Before we move abck in together, I need to settle some issues with myself and I need H to work on secrecy/dishonesty issues.
The convo was really well recieved by H and very productive. H said that he needed to see that the changes in me are permanent as well and that he needed to see me less manic. I said that I totally understood what he meant by this and that his being honest with me and sharing more would go a long way to easing my anxiety.
So, we've been having these kind of convos ever since but I'm forcing myself not to talk about them constantly or when we are headed into work! We have also worked through a sitch last week where my H realized that he ahd been spending too much. I could tell that he was upset about something that day and I totally went into enabler mode. We talked about his $$ sitch and my need to come to his aid. He said that he understands how this is his issue and he even understood why I would feel compelled to act the way that I did but he made it clear that this was something he needed to deal with on his own. I acknowledged that but said that it was going to be some while before enabling was no longer a knee-jerk reaction of mine.
Then this past weekend, it was pretty quiet with not much to talk about on our walk. I brought up for a future talk what does privacy mean to him in our M. This is a convo to work up to, obviously! There's a lot of ground to be covered before we can begin to adquately address this issue.
I've been feeling kind of blue the last two days. Actually, I've been struggling a lot with a sense of loss and sadness since I've started to let go. I feel like I'm looking in a really unforgiving mirror lately. This morning and last night I've felt like my H was distant but in all honesty I can't say if this stems from my own sadness creating it's own distance. Actually, that's something that people with depression complain about with those that they are closest too. Not that I have depression but I am in a depressed state. This distance that I feel may not entirely come from him but perhaps from me as well. Depressed people often get really angry with those that are closest to them because they can no longer feel the closeness. Either way, I'm planning to work through it myself and spend some time articulating it for our talk this weekend. God, I cannot wait for the day when a bad mood or strange reaction is simply that and nothing else!!
