I'm being so bad about working today. I need to get a few things out but I'm not really motivated.
Believe me, I have fully rehearsed what I am planning on doing and knowing how the Universe loves to throw curve balls, my backup plan is to retreat to a zen state.
My friend at work gave me some suggestions. My degree is in theater and I have done some acting in the past. Now it is time for me to dig into those resources. She's most likely not going to make eye contact with me because I have made it clear that she is not welcome around me at all. I ran into her once, alone, on the street. I gave her a stare down that if my eyes could shoot bullets, she would have been riddled with them. So, chances are, there will be a lot of obvious ignoring going on.
I just wish that my H would be upfront and say who is going to this. He keeps saying just his staff but I know that OW is friends with the bride (an employee of my H).
So my friend and I practiced and she gave me a pep talk about how this woman is not worth it and how OW's opinion doesn't matter.
I made a really pretty dress and I'm going to do my hair and makeup like I used to when I was still going out on a regular basis (years before H and I settled down). I might even try to wear my contact lenses. That way if things get really bad, I can say that I had to take them out and then I won't be able to see anyone except for the person right in front of me. Something I used to do while acting to block out the audience.
I have to keep reminding myself that there is much, much more at stake than reacting to her.
Positive note about R- H and I talked through my thoughts regarding my anger problems yesterday. Wasn't the most fun of conversations but it did not wind up being a trainwreck like it has in the past. I'm also trying to understand his anger problems and insecurity issues better. I was able to find out some about that as well.
H stayed for breakfast and a shower. Usually he goes back to his place. He and I walked in together and we got to sleep a little later and do the other things I mentioned above. That made me really happy! It's very important to me that we share meals together and I like to see that he is trying to do that.
Wish me luck. I'm trying to suspend all expectations for the evening. I'll let you know on Monday.
BTW- What a great day you and H had together. I bet he loved it! Did you say to him how much you enjoyed the day? Does he need to hear things like that?
Quick post about wedding because work sitch is getting worse and I have less time to post than before.
I do have so much that I want to update and a lot that I want to journal but I'm not able to get the time in.
Anyway- here's the update from the weekend regarding the wedding. She wasn't there!
I'm not sure why. I'm sure I could drive myself completely crazy speculating why but I will never know since I stopped spying on her. Anyway, point being she wasn't there and H and I had a great time and we both looked good and it was just a very nice evening. H spent the next day with his sister while I was at the retreat.
Two things I need to post about- Behavioral response of mine that I finally saw clearly this morning while at work that I KNOW I bring into my R. Also, possible sticky situation regarding online webpages. I have a profile on same system as H and OW. It's a public site. I stupidly invited a family member (SIL) that has a big mouth to join my friends list on my profile and I'm afraid of running into her while with H and her mentioning this. I need some advice to handle this if it does come up. Although it is a public site, it is a HUGE point of contention between H and I.
I need to take some time off from fixating on my R. H and I got into a raging "discussion" this morning on our way to work. Mostly about how I need to change my life. It's so convuleted at this point. Lately, I've felt that I honestly don't know who I am and what would ever make me happy.
This weekend we celebrated my birthday. H went all out for me. The first half was great, we relaxed, we joked, all good things... The second half was spent with us being in opposite sides of the room with this ridiculous tension between us. It finally culminated into this discussion we had while walking into work. H has asked before and now after this morning demanded that we not get into anything heavy while walking to work. I apologized and agreed. He said that my apologies at this point were meaningless because I don't follow through with them. He asked when my next therapy appointment was and suggested that I look into why I feel compelled to do this every Monday morning.
At one point in our argument, he talked about an appropriate time to talk about our personal issues. He said that he gives me ample time to talk about this because he asks me what is wrong as soon as he sees that I am upset. More often than not, I say that nothing is wrong. This morning, he said "I ask you what is wrong and you say nothing. It so obvious that you think so little of me. I open myself up to you and you push me away. You obviously think that I am nothing." I was totally taken aback and said "Don't project that onto me. If I were to interpret every confusing or hurtful you did as a reflection of how you thought of me, then you and I would not be standing here talking. That's your interpretation of yourself."
Now whether this is good DBing or not, I don't even know anymore. I had a good cry session with my friend, Carol, this morning. She suggested that I scale down on the amount of time my H and I talk about this. Very DB advice.
Weirdly enough my H may be offered a promotion at his work. Something he has wanted for awhile. I have mixed feelings about it but other than expressing my concerns, I will support him in his decision.
I'm beginning to see the extent of my control issues and my god to they run deep! Of course, the universe decided to really give it to me this morning. Right after the argument, I saw OW on her way to work. I'm wondering if this whole OW is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm scared that my control issues would eventually create something between the two of them that may or may have not existed previously. But then I am afraid that comments like H made this morning about how little I think of him is his mentality and that it would eventually draw him to OW regardless of DBing or not. Basically, I feel like I am in a no-win situation. I'm glad that my H may be given a promotion if that is what he wants but it would keep him working alongside OW indefinitely.
So, I'm at a loss here. I don't know whether to feel good or bad. I feel like I don't know what I am doing and I feel like the progress we have made is so small AND a result of my controlling ways that I don't even know if an R with my H is possible.
I'm going to take my friend's advice but right now I'm scared, sad, and pretty lost.
Happy Belated bday Sikan! I'm glad you got to enjoy some of it with pampering from H. Please dont beat yourself p too bad.. I showed my butt on my bday after H went all out. Sometimes.. well, we just do that and regret it!
I've felt that I honestly don't know who I am and what would ever make me happy. Whatever it takes GF.. figure out the answer to this question. Can you remember when you WERE happy? What were you doing? What were you thinking about and focusing on? How is that different than what you're doing now? Can you think of anything that would make an immediate difference in your level of happiness? If so, would it be reasonable to do that that/those things?
I wish I could say something to help you with this because you sound so down. I know though that accepting that I'm fine just how I am.. right this minute and realizing that I'm more THERE than not helps me when I'm feeling confused and unhappy. Just telling myself that I'm loveable makes me feel better. Can you look in the mirror and see yourself as a person deserving of your love, compassion, caring, healing? Maybe if you give that some time. Pamper yourself and don't pressure yourself to change. Accept who you are and that changes take time. In the meantime, you're worth loving lady! You have talent.. you're smart.. you're patient.. whatever you know to be true about yourself.. give it a big hug and smile very big!
He asked when my next therapy appointment was and suggested that I look into why I feel compelled to do this every Monday morning. Do you think it has anything to do with the start of the work week and knowing that H will be working with OW? H and I argue on Sundays and Weds without fail. Sundays because Im dreading Monday, and Weds because we're at church and it's a trigger from him sneaking off out of our youth class and calling OW.. and btw.. it was 20 mins before he asked our pastor to pray for our M. Even unconciously I know those things. Might not want to admit it to myself, but I start getting irritated before we go to bed and on the way to Weds church. Is there a way you can change your routine to avoid this? Well, if that's the reason, but only you know the answer to that!
He said that he gives me ample time to talk about this because he asks me what is wrong as soon as he sees that I am upset. Is this true? Does he ask you at a convenient time? Or, are you more likely to share your feelings when you need to vent them? I do that.. mercilously. H asks me to not bottle it up until I have a meltdown later. I feel guilty or like I dont want to tell him what's bothering me because I dont want to argue, or push him away. Then when it's clear that I should say something, I don't pick the best time. Been trying to journal through some of that, but it's touch and go.
I'm going to take my friend's advice but right now I'm scared, sad, and pretty lost. Sounds like good advice to me. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I hope your C today helps. Please be good to yourself and rely on your friends. How did the Zen retreat go? Did you learn any good meditations? Maybe that would help?
I'm back after a hiatus. Work is getting to be really awful and I've been spending time looking for another position elsewhere. Doesn't leave much time to post.
My sitch with my H has been very good. H and I have been spending a lot of time together, including eating meals together!! This is so important to me. I love it but I'm also scared that it is some sort of honeymoon period. I want soo badly to believe that this is changing for the better but I'd be a liar if I said that a part of me is scared sh**less that this could be taken away at any moment.
H has been in a creative boom lately, designing and writing a storm! He shows me all of his work and asks for my opinion. Last night we spent some time at his palce and I sat on his lap while he designed on his computer. At one point when he was searching for images a list of past searches came up on his browser including a search for images for a 30th birthday. I stopped cold. OW just turned 30. of course I don't have any proof that he did this for her. I didn't see him give her a card or anything but nonetheless it still hurt and I allowed it to affect me.
I had a horrible nightmare that H was in a play and OW was in the audience watching him. I was in the audience too but I was sitting behind her. After the play was over, H and OW disappeared and I found them making out backstage. Total anxiety dream but enough to trigger me to talk about trust and sharing issues in a very confusing way this morning on a way to work. Typical reaction from me and VERY typical response from H to my convo. H had no idea of what I was talking about and got anxious and frustrated. I got frustrated and hurt and so the cycle spun around yet again. H said that I need to find a better time to talk about these issues and that he promised to listen and work with me. I will try his suggestion and see how it works. I will give it a few times and if it doesn't work then I will ask to do something different. It's hard not to go into this less than suspicious but that's where I am right now.
I recognize that I want my R to work and that we have come a VERY long way but I need to know that these changes for the better are permanent and if there are future changes for better or worse I need to know that our R is open to working with them. Easier said than done but this is what I need in place for me to recommit fully.
In the meantime, I'm trying to work more on myself than R. This includes meditation, al-anon meetings, personal counseling, and just treating myself well!
Hmm. Interesting discovery. I've suspected for a while but now I'm very certain. I totally get super-sensative about OW around my time of the month. This month, I'm early so alot of what I was getting upset about the past couple of days was heightened but the hormones.
Saturday, I went into a second-hand store where my H had gone with e several weeks before. When we were there the last time, he pointed out a kitschy planter shaped like a daschund. He knows I love daschunds. We didn't buy it because it was too pricey. I went back this weekend and it was gone. Guess who else likes daschunds? That's right, OW! I became convinced that H bought the planter for her birthday. I became INCREDIBLY sad and despondent.
H and I were spending time apart from each other Saturday afternoon. He was spending time with some guy friends and I was going to visit a friend's studio. This is the first time in several months that we have spent time away from each other. I'm actually happy for it but at the same time also still a little hesitant because it is still a sensative period for us. We have only returned to our R on this level since June. Needless to say, I still am working through trust issues and spending time apart was kind of a big deal.
Anyway, here I am headed to my friend's studio feeling so low I wanted to jump off of the moving subway. Instead, I started to go back to what I have been practicing through meditation. I sat with my feelings and acknowledged them and let them move through me and then they were just gone. I was still not happy with the fact that H and OW are still friends and in contact with each other but now I could think straight.
Point is, no matter what I do I don't have any control over this. Looking at my sitch, I see a man who is spending 95% of his time that he is NOT at work in my company. I see a man who not only says he wants R to work but is making efforts to do so! So, I was able to put into perspective that fact that if I were to try and force an outcome, say constantly harp about OW or make H change job before he is ready I'd probably be doing more harm than good for my sitch. Also, I want H and I to be able to look over our past actions to see how it affected the other to prevent from happening again. H**, if that doesn't happen, whose to say that this OW would be the only one?
So, I went to my friend's studio and had a great time! I met up with H later on for dinner and he also had a good time. H and I spent a very relaxed weekend and Sunday we had our usual walk and talk.
Now here is where things get even more interesting. H and I had argued last week about my habit of casually bringing up very serious issues in our R at inappropriate times. Usually as we are going into work. This drives H crazy because it doesn't give him the time to talk about it in a way that makes him comfortable and then he is left thinking about it all day while he is trying to work.
And it actually backfires on me because then he's pissed off at our sitch AND at work with OW! He said that he would talk about it with me this weekend. So sunday, we started talking. I told H that the way our R is now is the way I want our R to be permamnently. I have seen some incredibly positive changes in the both of us and our sitch and I needed to see that they were more than just a phase. I need to see this as being a permanent change before I will resume living together. H agreed. I said that I needed to be able to talk about issues of the past and why we acted and felt the way that we did in order for me to understand. I said that if I didn't understand his motives for past hurtful events then I would be left with assuming the worst. He understood this as well.
I said that as an example the convo we had after OW called while we were out together was the first time he had explained that issue to me. That convo, difficult as it was, gave me tremendous insight to why he did what he did by spending so much time with OW. I said that that period hurt me greatly, it still did but that until I had his perspective on things I wasn't able to move past it at all. Post OW convo, I have begun to work it through (slowly but I am working at it!)
We talked about what we needed to see in the other before we would resume living together. He said that he needed to see me less manic, less controlling. I said that I needed him to be more active on his end and that his problems with secrecy are a BIG issue with me. I said that I needed to see him be more honest with me and that honesty issues make me act VERY manic. That for me to feel more relaxed, I need to know that I can honestly deal with another person. Otherwise, control issues kick into high gear!
We talked about a lot of stuff. I feel the convo was very positive! The rest of the weekend was great. We walked into work this morning and not one confontational word fell from my lips!
I wanted to find out from other dbers who struggle with control issues if any of you feel really sad when you let go of the illusion of control. One of the realizations that I have had recently was that I'm more afraid of genuine happiness in my R than I am with all of the "problems" that we have. What I mean is that as I'm starting to get to the heart of the matter of what I am really scared of is being happy. It's so much easier keeping myself occupied with "problems" and directing anger and frustration outwards.
When I let go and turn inwards, I get very sad at the loss of strength that anger, frustration, and "problem solving" provide for me. This weekend, my H and I spent a lot of time just relaxed and in a good mood. I was able to see that I'm terrified of losing that! It's my attachment to that love that keeps me acting out. I'm trying to find a way to be at peace with that. It's so very hard...
So, I just wanted to hear from other DBers to see if they notice the same thing in their sitches. That it is much easier to control and focus outwardly than it is to deeply love another who is as imperfect as we are.
You expressed some of the feelings I've been having too. It's SO hard to let go and just be happy and not on "lookout" all the time. Some of it might come from being used to the chemicals that the stress causes too maybe? We get so used to being on that rush, that it's hard to relax and feels like something is missing. I too am working through that right now.
Yes, I miss the feeling of strength. To be angry at H means I don't have to be vulnerable. If Im open and vulnerable to him, I might get hurt. And, it's hard to imagine him protecting my heart after all that he's done.
I'm learning though, that my anger doesn't protect my heart or make me strong. Feeling in control doesnt mean that I AM in control. It's an illusion. As long as we're in relationships, we might get hurt whether we let ourselves relax or not.
That is so true, to just let go and be happy and not always be on the lookout. Just take what you get for what it is.
Sikan and piglet, you have posed some intersting questions and thoughts. Wow. Does anger = control? no. It doesn't seem to help anything, and it doesn't protect at all. If we don't open up to let someone in, how can we feel the emotions we need to love them?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm enjoying two supervisor-free days at work and hoping to get a lengthy post in. Update- H and I have been enjoying some very good time together. Pretty low-key, not so much drama. H and I have had some very good talks on our Sunday walk and I have been keeping the R talks to a minimum.
Here's a recap of some of what we have discussed. 2 weeks ago H blew up at me because I brought up "heavy" topics at innapropriate times. We agreed to talk about them over the weekend. I used the rest of the week to think things through and simultaneously not let these thoughts affect me too greatly in my daily encounters with H. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. Anyway, I thought over what I wanted to say and narrowed it down to a few digestible points. These were: 1. I'm very happy with R now but I need to know these are permanent changes. 2. I need to be able to discuss past events and actions with my H. This helps me to reach understanding. Without understanding, I am left to draw conclusions which usually aren't good. 3. Before we move abck in together, I need to settle some issues with myself and I need H to work on secrecy/dishonesty issues.
The convo was really well recieved by H and very productive. H said that he needed to see that the changes in me are permanent as well and that he needed to see me less manic. I said that I totally understood what he meant by this and that his being honest with me and sharing more would go a long way to easing my anxiety.
So, we've been having these kind of convos ever since but I'm forcing myself not to talk about them constantly or when we are headed into work! We have also worked through a sitch last week where my H realized that he ahd been spending too much. I could tell that he was upset about something that day and I totally went into enabler mode. We talked about his $$ sitch and my need to come to his aid. He said that he understands how this is his issue and he even understood why I would feel compelled to act the way that I did but he made it clear that this was something he needed to deal with on his own. I acknowledged that but said that it was going to be some while before enabling was no longer a knee-jerk reaction of mine.
Then this past weekend, it was pretty quiet with not much to talk about on our walk. I brought up for a future talk what does privacy mean to him in our M. This is a convo to work up to, obviously! There's a lot of ground to be covered before we can begin to adquately address this issue.
I've been feeling kind of blue the last two days. Actually, I've been struggling a lot with a sense of loss and sadness since I've started to let go. I feel like I'm looking in a really unforgiving mirror lately. This morning and last night I've felt like my H was distant but in all honesty I can't say if this stems from my own sadness creating it's own distance. Actually, that's something that people with depression complain about with those that they are closest too. Not that I have depression but I am in a depressed state. This distance that I feel may not entirely come from him but perhaps from me as well. Depressed people often get really angry with those that are closest to them because they can no longer feel the closeness. Either way, I'm planning to work through it myself and spend some time articulating it for our talk this weekend. God, I cannot wait for the day when a bad mood or strange reaction is simply that and nothing else!!
