You expressed some of the feelings I've been having too. It's SO hard to let go and just be happy and not on "lookout" all the time. Some of it might come from being used to the chemicals that the stress causes too maybe? We get so used to being on that rush, that it's hard to relax and feels like something is missing. I too am working through that right now.
Yes, I miss the feeling of strength. To be angry at H means I don't have to be vulnerable. If Im open and vulnerable to him, I might get hurt. And, it's hard to imagine him protecting my heart after all that he's done.
I'm learning though, that my anger doesn't protect my heart or make me strong. Feeling in control doesnt mean that I AM in control. It's an illusion. As long as we're in relationships, we might get hurt whether we let ourselves relax or not.
