I wanted to find out from other dbers who struggle with control issues if any of you feel really sad when you let go of the illusion of control. One of the realizations that I have had recently was that I'm more afraid of genuine happiness in my R than I am with all of the "problems" that we have. What I mean is that as I'm starting to get to the heart of the matter of what I am really scared of is being happy. It's so much easier keeping myself occupied with "problems" and directing anger and frustration outwards.
When I let go and turn inwards, I get very sad at the loss of strength that anger, frustration, and "problem solving" provide for me. This weekend, my H and I spent a lot of time just relaxed and in a good mood. I was able to see that I'm terrified of losing that! It's my attachment to that love that keeps me acting out. I'm trying to find a way to be at peace with that. It's so very hard...
So, I just wanted to hear from other DBers to see if they notice the same thing in their sitches. That it is much easier to control and focus outwardly than it is to deeply love another who is as imperfect as we are.
