Hmm. Interesting discovery. I've suspected for a while but now I'm very certain. I totally get super-sensative about OW around my time of the month. This month, I'm early so alot of what I was getting upset about the past couple of days was heightened but the hormones.
Saturday, I went into a second-hand store where my H had gone with e several weeks before. When we were there the last time, he pointed out a kitschy planter shaped like a daschund. He knows I love daschunds. We didn't buy it because it was too pricey. I went back this weekend and it was gone. Guess who else likes daschunds? That's right, OW! I became convinced that H bought the planter for her birthday. I became INCREDIBLY sad and despondent.
H and I were spending time apart from each other Saturday afternoon. He was spending time with some guy friends and I was going to visit a friend's studio. This is the first time in several months that we have spent time away from each other. I'm actually happy for it but at the same time also still a little hesitant because it is still a sensative period for us. We have only returned to our R on this level since June. Needless to say, I still am working through trust issues and spending time apart was kind of a big deal.
Anyway, here I am headed to my friend's studio feeling so low I wanted to jump off of the moving subway. Instead, I started to go back to what I have been practicing through meditation. I sat with my feelings and acknowledged them and let them move through me and then they were just gone. I was still not happy with the fact that H and OW are still friends and in contact with each other but now I could think straight.
Point is, no matter what I do I don't have any control over this. Looking at my sitch, I see a man who is spending 95% of his time that he is NOT at work in my company. I see a man who not only says he wants R to work but is making efforts to do so! So, I was able to put into perspective that fact that if I were to try and force an outcome, say constantly harp about OW or make H change job before he is ready I'd probably be doing more harm than good for my sitch. Also, I want H and I to be able to look over our past actions to see how it affected the other to prevent from happening again. H**, if that doesn't happen, whose to say that this OW would be the only one?
So, I went to my friend's studio and had a great time! I met up with H later on for dinner and he also had a good time. H and I spent a very relaxed weekend and Sunday we had our usual walk and talk.
Now here is where things get even more interesting. H and I had argued last week about my habit of casually bringing up very serious issues in our R at inappropriate times. Usually as we are going into work. This drives H crazy because it doesn't give him the time to talk about it in a way that makes him comfortable and then he is left thinking about it all day while he is trying to work.
And it actually backfires on me because then he's pissed off at our sitch AND at work with OW! He said that he would talk about it with me this weekend. So sunday, we started talking. I told H that the way our R is now is the way I want our R to be permamnently. I have seen some incredibly positive changes in the both of us and our sitch and I needed to see that they were more than just a phase. I need to see this as being a permanent change before I will resume living together. H agreed. I said that I needed to be able to talk about issues of the past and why we acted and felt the way that we did in order for me to understand. I said that if I didn't understand his motives for past hurtful events then I would be left with assuming the worst. He understood this as well.
I said that as an example the convo we had after OW called while we were out together was the first time he had explained that issue to me. That convo, difficult as it was, gave me tremendous insight to why he did what he did by spending so much time with OW. I said that that period hurt me greatly, it still did but that until I had his perspective on things I wasn't able to move past it at all. Post OW convo, I have begun to work it through (slowly but I am working at it!)
We talked about what we needed to see in the other before we would resume living together. He said that he needed to see me less manic, less controlling. I said that I needed him to be more active on his end and that his problems with secrecy are a BIG issue with me. I said that I needed to see him be more honest with me and that honesty issues make me act VERY manic. That for me to feel more relaxed, I need to know that I can honestly deal with another person. Otherwise, control issues kick into high gear!
We talked about a lot of stuff. I feel the convo was very positive! The rest of the weekend was great. We walked into work this morning and not one confontational word fell from my lips!
