I'm back after a hiatus. Work is getting to be really awful and I've been spending time looking for another position elsewhere. Doesn't leave much time to post.
My sitch with my H has been very good. H and I have been spending a lot of time together, including eating meals together!! This is so important to me. I love it but I'm also scared that it is some sort of honeymoon period. I want soo badly to believe that this is changing for the better but I'd be a liar if I said that a part of me is scared sh**less that this could be taken away at any moment.
H has been in a creative boom lately, designing and writing a storm! He shows me all of his work and asks for my opinion. Last night we spent some time at his palce and I sat on his lap while he designed on his computer. At one point when he was searching for images a list of past searches came up on his browser including a search for images for a 30th birthday. I stopped cold. OW just turned 30. of course I don't have any proof that he did this for her. I didn't see him give her a card or anything but nonetheless it still hurt and I allowed it to affect me.
I had a horrible nightmare that H was in a play and OW was in the audience watching him. I was in the audience too but I was sitting behind her. After the play was over, H and OW disappeared and I found them making out backstage. Total anxiety dream but enough to trigger me to talk about trust and sharing issues in a very confusing way this morning on a way to work. Typical reaction from me and VERY typical response from H to my convo. H had no idea of what I was talking about and got anxious and frustrated. I got frustrated and hurt and so the cycle spun around yet again. H said that I need to find a better time to talk about these issues and that he promised to listen and work with me. I will try his suggestion and see how it works. I will give it a few times and if it doesn't work then I will ask to do something different. It's hard not to go into this less than suspicious but that's where I am right now.
I recognize that I want my R to work and that we have come a VERY long way but I need to know that these changes for the better are permanent and if there are future changes for better or worse I need to know that our R is open to working with them. Easier said than done but this is what I need in place for me to recommit fully.
In the meantime, I'm trying to work more on myself than R. This includes meditation, al-anon meetings, personal counseling, and just treating myself well!
