Happy Belated bday Sikan! I'm glad you got to enjoy some of it with pampering from H. Please dont beat yourself p too bad.. I showed my butt on my bday after H went all out. Sometimes.. well, we just do that and regret it!
I've felt that I honestly don't know who I am and what would ever make me happy. Whatever it takes GF.. figure out the answer to this question. Can you remember when you WERE happy? What were you doing? What were you thinking about and focusing on? How is that different than what you're doing now? Can you think of anything that would make an immediate difference in your level of happiness? If so, would it be reasonable to do that that/those things?
I wish I could say something to help you with this because you sound so down. I know though that accepting that I'm fine just how I am.. right this minute and realizing that I'm more THERE than not helps me when I'm feeling confused and unhappy. Just telling myself that I'm loveable makes me feel better. Can you look in the mirror and see yourself as a person deserving of your love, compassion, caring, healing? Maybe if you give that some time. Pamper yourself and don't pressure yourself to change. Accept who you are and that changes take time. In the meantime, you're worth loving lady! You have talent.. you're smart.. you're patient.. whatever you know to be true about yourself.. give it a big hug and smile very big!
He asked when my next therapy appointment was and suggested that I look into why I feel compelled to do this every Monday morning. Do you think it has anything to do with the start of the work week and knowing that H will be working with OW? H and I argue on Sundays and Weds without fail. Sundays because Im dreading Monday, and Weds because we're at church and it's a trigger from him sneaking off out of our youth class and calling OW.. and btw.. it was 20 mins before he asked our pastor to pray for our M. Even unconciously I know those things. Might not want to admit it to myself, but I start getting irritated before we go to bed and on the way to Weds church. Is there a way you can change your routine to avoid this? Well, if that's the reason, but only you know the answer to that!
He said that he gives me ample time to talk about this because he asks me what is wrong as soon as he sees that I am upset. Is this true? Does he ask you at a convenient time? Or, are you more likely to share your feelings when you need to vent them? I do that.. mercilously. H asks me to not bottle it up until I have a meltdown later. I feel guilty or like I dont want to tell him what's bothering me because I dont want to argue, or push him away. Then when it's clear that I should say something, I don't pick the best time. Been trying to journal through some of that, but it's touch and go.
I'm going to take my friend's advice but right now I'm scared, sad, and pretty lost. Sounds like good advice to me. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I hope your C today helps. Please be good to yourself and rely on your friends. How did the Zen retreat go? Did you learn any good meditations? Maybe that would help?
