I need to take some time off from fixating on my R. H and I got into a raging "discussion" this morning on our way to work. Mostly about how I need to change my life. It's so convuleted at this point. Lately, I've felt that I honestly don't know who I am and what would ever make me happy.

This weekend we celebrated my birthday. H went all out for me. The first half was great, we relaxed, we joked, all good things... The second half was spent with us being in opposite sides of the room with this ridiculous tension between us. It finally culminated into this discussion we had while walking into work. H has asked before and now after this morning demanded that we not get into anything heavy while walking to work. I apologized and agreed. He said that my apologies at this point were meaningless because I don't follow through with them. He asked when my next therapy appointment was and suggested that I look into why I feel compelled to do this every Monday morning.

At one point in our argument, he talked about an appropriate time to talk about our personal issues. He said that he gives me ample time to talk about this because he asks me what is wrong as soon as he sees that I am upset. More often than not, I say that nothing is wrong. This morning, he said "I ask you what is wrong and you say nothing. It so obvious that you think so little of me. I open myself up to you and you push me away. You obviously think that I am nothing." I was totally taken aback and said "Don't project that onto me. If I were to interpret every confusing or hurtful you did as a reflection of how you thought of me, then you and I would not be standing here talking. That's your interpretation of yourself."

Now whether this is good DBing or not, I don't even know anymore. I had a good cry session with my friend, Carol, this morning. She suggested that I scale down on the amount of time my H and I talk about this. Very DB advice.

Weirdly enough my H may be offered a promotion at his work. Something he has wanted for awhile. I have mixed feelings about it but other than expressing my concerns, I will support him in his decision.

I'm beginning to see the extent of my control issues and my god to they run deep! Of course, the universe decided to really give it to me this morning. Right after the argument, I saw OW on her way to work. I'm wondering if this whole OW is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm scared that my control issues would eventually create something between the two of them that may or may have not existed previously. But then I am afraid that comments like H made this morning about how little I think of him is his mentality and that it would eventually draw him to OW regardless of DBing or not. Basically, I feel like I am in a no-win situation. I'm glad that my H may be given a promotion if that is what he wants but it would keep him working alongside OW indefinitely.

So, I'm at a loss here. I don't know whether to feel good or bad. I feel like I don't know what I am doing and I feel like the progress we have made is so small AND a result of my controlling ways that I don't even know if an R with my H is possible.

I'm going to take my friend's advice but right now I'm scared, sad, and pretty lost.