I'm being so bad about working today. I need to get a few things out but I'm not really motivated.
Believe me, I have fully rehearsed what I am planning on doing and knowing how the Universe loves to throw curve balls, my backup plan is to retreat to a zen state.
My friend at work gave me some suggestions. My degree is in theater and I have done some acting in the past. Now it is time for me to dig into those resources. She's most likely not going to make eye contact with me because I have made it clear that she is not welcome around me at all. I ran into her once, alone, on the street. I gave her a stare down that if my eyes could shoot bullets, she would have been riddled with them. So, chances are, there will be a lot of obvious ignoring going on.
I just wish that my H would be upfront and say who is going to this. He keeps saying just his staff but I know that OW is friends with the bride (an employee of my H).
So my friend and I practiced and she gave me a pep talk about how this woman is not worth it and how OW's opinion doesn't matter.
I made a really pretty dress and I'm going to do my hair and makeup like I used to when I was still going out on a regular basis (years before H and I settled down). I might even try to wear my contact lenses. That way if things get really bad, I can say that I had to take them out and then I won't be able to see anyone except for the person right in front of me. Something I used to do while acting to block out the audience.
I have to keep reminding myself that there is much, much more at stake than reacting to her.
Positive note about R- H and I talked through my thoughts regarding my anger problems yesterday. Wasn't the most fun of conversations but it did not wind up being a trainwreck like it has in the past. I'm also trying to understand his anger problems and insecurity issues better. I was able to find out some about that as well.
H stayed for breakfast and a shower. Usually he goes back to his place. He and I walked in together and we got to sleep a little later and do the other things I mentioned above. That made me really happy! It's very important to me that we share meals together and I like to see that he is trying to do that.
Wish me luck. I'm trying to suspend all expectations for the evening. I'll let you know on Monday.
BTW- What a great day you and H had together. I bet he loved it! Did you say to him how much you enjoyed the day? Does he need to hear things like that?
