Hey Have been catching up on your posts from the last couple of days. You are focusing on the secrecy, and OW, finances. Almost exactly what keeps me wrapped up. Taxes.. whooooah. Do you know that H hasn't paid his taxes from last year? We're not married, so we file separately. BIG, HUGE issue with me. In fact, it's one of the reasons I refuse to re-marry him. I've been reading the articles that I linked to on my thread. Through that, and lots of thought, I've come to realize how I'm letting H's tax situation relieve me of the responsibility for the fact that I'm not ready to make a forever commitment to this R. I'm justifying my fear and indecision by making a list of reason that I won't marry him that are his fault. Then I don't have to confront the fact that I'm terrified that I'm going to marry him and be hurt, rejected and trapped. Now that I know I'm making the list to relieve myself of that burden, I'm free to let my anger at him go and deal with MY issues. It's the same thing with the finances. I'm pretty responsible financially, but have a hard time saving for a rainy day. I'm wishy washy and give in and buy stuff spur of the moment without considering my long term financial goals. I've never admitted that before. Because H has been so out of control, I blame the sitch on him. In reality, he's not that big of spender.. he's just made some costly mistakes. It effects us, but the long term problem is that we aren't setting financial goals together and curbing our daily spending. See how I blame that on the fact that he's blown it in a big way a few times? If I would quit holding that against him and blaming the finances on him, I can get myself in control on a daily basis and make our financial sitch more positive myself. I've blinded myself to the fact that he's helping balance the checkbook and that he's not spending wildly anymore because I want to deny that I also need to change my habits. OW.. I know she isnt important to him and that I am. He shows me that every day, but instead of counting those moments, my mind keeps a list of ways he's hurt my feelings, times he called her, the one night stand (instead of admitting how great our ML is). With these thoughts I can relieve myself of responsibility for me feeling unlovable, and the fact that I sometimes clam up during ML and don't relax enough to enjoy it. I need to focus on my self esteem and loving myself.. I need to focus on relaxing during ML. It's scary to admit that I'm needy and insecure sometimes. Instead of reaching out to H and asking him to comfort me (and he would!), I just dwell in this place too proud and afraid he won't reassure me. Instead of learning to be intimate and carefree during ML, I focus on what he did with OW and blame my inhibitions on the fact that he was unfaithful. Granted, he did some bad stuff and some of the things I feel are affected by that. That he slept with a younger woman fed my insecurities, and inhibitions, but it didn't CAUSE them. They were there to deal with already.. they were just manageable to an extent that I could ignore them. Now that I know what I'm dealing with personally, I can work on that in myself and stop using his actions to justify how I feel. I know this is long and rambling.. I hope it makes a little sense..lol.
Terry Warner said two other things that struck home. One was about how we see people. It's hard to say it in short version, but he basically says we see people in an I-It relationship, or an I-you relationship. If we view people according to OUR needs, then they become objects to us (we treat them bad according to what they aren't giving us, or good according to what they are or can feed our egos with) and we dont consider their feelings.. their humanity. Our actions become different once we look at them in an I-You way and focus on what they need from us. It's complicated, and I'm not saying it as well as he does!
He also makes a connection.. how we treat and respond to others becomes who we are. If we allow someone to irritate us, we are an irritable person. If we allow them to anger us, we become an angry person. And dangit! I might be angry for a reason I think is justifiable, but do I really want someone else to turn me into an angry person? I'd rather be kind, gracious, loving, patient, and forgiving! How I respond to H's actions defines who I am as a person. If he becomes unbearable, I can let him go, but to let him change who I am is betraying myself. I refuse to betray who I am in response to who he is. If he wants to be depressed, irresponsible, dishonest, then fine, but I'm still happy, responsible, and honest. I'm also not angry, petty, unforgiving and unloveable, no matter how HE acts!! I only become those things when I choose to act.. I can choose to act positive and preserve who I am.
Have been catching up on your posts from the last couple of days. You are focusing on the secrecy, and OW, finances. Almost exactly what keeps me wrapped up. Taxes.. whooooah. Do you know that H hasn't paid his taxes from last year? We're not married, so we file separately. BIG, HUGE issue with me. In fact, it's one of the reasons I refuse to re-marry him. I've been reading the articles that I linked to on my thread. Through that, and lots of thought, I've come to realize how I'm letting H's tax situation relieve me of the responsibility for the fact that I'm not ready to make a forever commitment to this R. I'm justifying my fear and indecision by making a list of reason that I won't marry him that are his fault. Then I don't have to confront the fact that I'm terrified that I'm going to marry him and be hurt, rejected and trapped. Now that I know I'm making the list to relieve myself of that burden, I'm free to let my anger at him go and deal with MY issues. It's the same thing with the finances. I'm pretty responsible financially, but have a hard time saving for a rainy day. I'm wishy washy and give in and buy stuff spur of the moment without considering my long term financial goals. I've never admitted that before. Because H has been so out of control, I blame the sitch on him. In reality, he's not that big of spender.. he's just made some costly mistakes. It effects us, but the long term problem is that we aren't setting financial goals together and curbing our daily spending. See how I blame that on the fact that he's blown it in a big way a few times? If I would quit holding that against him and blaming the finances on him, I can get myself in control on a daily basis and make our financial sitch more positive myself. I've blinded myself to the fact that he's helping balance the checkbook and that he's not spending wildly anymore because I want to deny that I also need to change my habits. OW.. I know she isnt important to him and that I am. He shows me that every day, but instead of counting those moments, my mind keeps a list of ways he's hurt my feelings, times he called her, the one night stand (instead of admitting how great our ML is). With these thoughts I can relieve myself of responsibility for me feeling unlovable, and the fact that I sometimes clam up during ML and don't relax enough to enjoy it. I need to focus on my self esteem and loving myself.. I need to focus on relaxing during ML. It's scary to admit that I'm needy and insecure sometimes. Instead of reaching out to H and asking him to comfort me (and he would!), I just dwell in this place too proud and afraid he won't reassure me. Instead of learning to be intimate and carefree during ML, I focus on what he did with OW and blame my inhibitions on the fact that he was unfaithful. Granted, he did some bad stuff and some of the things I feel are affected by that. That he slept with a younger woman fed my insecurities, and inhibitions, but it didn't CAUSE them. They were there to deal with already.. they were just manageable to an extent that I could ignore them. Now that I know what I'm dealing with personally, I can work on that in myself and stop using his actions to justify how I feel. 
