More and more am I coming to understand that issues like soley with H and not with things like OW. OW is a variable and when you look at the facts a pretty big loser for involving herself with a married man.

I need to adress the secrecy issues in my R. Can I say how much I HATE that this is even in my life?! That I am still in this whole mess!? I know that it won't change until I make it happen but I HATE being the one who has to bring this up.

Two issues that I need resolved before I live with H again are his secrecy issues and finances. Both stem from his control issues. It was a nightmare to get H to combine finances with me when we were first married. We worked with a finacial counselor, which was the best thing we could ahve ever done but H and I both love to spend. Especially if we are feeling bad or down but we also love really expensive things too.

H and I owed alot of taxes this year because we don't own any property or have kids. I have paid off most of my half of the taxes but I have absolutely no idea how much H still owes. We are on a payment plan with IRS. I don't know where H's $$ goes to because we have separate accounts again after the separation.

I need to find ways of addressing these two major issues in my R. I won't go back to living with H until they are addressed in a way where I am not only in the know but am also comfortable with it.

I have a session with my DB coach. I'm going to get some advice from her but this is my next step. I have no idea how long it will take but I am being honest with myself about my needs. I need an honest and open R. Secrecy does not work for me at all and I won't be in an R where that is the case and I act "as if" for the rest of my life. That's what destroyed so many women I have known, including my mother, H's mother, and both of our paternal grandmothers.

Sorry to be crass but F**K that! I won't live that way. I can already see its effect on my health.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very happy with the changes in my sitch. I'm so happy to see that I am growing but I also see that there are some fundamentals that need to be in place.

Unfortunately, I have to work on freelance jobs this weekend. I'm going to relax some on Sunday and run (if it's not too hot) on Saturday. I think that my mantra while running and meditating will be Baby Steps, Baby Steps, Baby Steps...

Hope everyone has a good weekend!

Sikan