The weekend was very nice and relaxed. H and I had a talk on Sunday during our walk about how we need to continue to actively keep our weekends loose and open. It does so much in keeping our stress levels down.
On Sunday, H and I went into his office so that he could send out resumes. I told him I would keep him company and do some work. He sent out 15 applications! I told him later that I was really proud of him and that I though his portfolio looks excellent. He was happy to get it done and over with. His workload was making it hard for him to send out things during the week and I also suspect that he was insecure about taking the first step and applying at a new company.
Minor DB triumph for me. My DB coach has suggested that in order for me and H to be able to address OW topic, I cannot react in a way that will make my H not want to talk about things. Of course, it is the most normal way one would react to that sitch- getting upset at H and OW. But in order for me to open that door again, I need to let H see that I can discuss this without blowing it out of proportion, letting my emotions get the best of me or judging H. So on Sunday while in H's office, I notice soem postcards on his wall. I asked where did he get them? He said, "Oh, OW sent them to me when she went away." I calmly said Oh and then without missing a beat talked about something else. As if he had said that his sister or someone like that had sent them to him.
I hate the fact that there are no pictures of me in his office and that there are two pics OW took plus her postcard up on his walls but I'm after bigger things and this is a battle I needed to pass over.
I'm struggling with the fact that although many things are good between us, I still see aspects of my H that concern me as much sometimes more than OW sitch. For instance, he is incredibly negative in his thinking, depending on his stress levels more times than not. He is also very insecure. We went to see a farm demo this weekend, run by people close to us in age. H made wisecracks during presentations that were pretty inappropriate also he wouldn't stand near anyone. He made me stand away from everyone with him.
I'm afraid sometimes that these are permanent parts of his personality and can set the stage for things like OW sitch to occur. I'm trying to find the words to describe an example. I think that OW is attracted to H because H has a similar "I'm pissed at the world" attitude but unlike the rest of those people that share that kind of negative thinking, H actually thinks very much about the world in a very constructive way. H is very smart and talented. However, I have long suspected that H gets a lot of his positive, proactive ways from my influence in his life. In fact, most of his changes for the better (his addressing his alcoholism, his looking for new work, his addressing his longstanding personality issues) have come about while he has been with me.
People like OW see H as (she has described him more than once) the amazing one or a real man. To someone like OW, who obviously isn't particularly evolved, I see how that could be the case.
I guess where I am going with all of this is that there is still a very big part of me, (in spite of all of the changes) that is still very concerned with the fact that H is a negative and insecure person and I sometimes think that no amount of DBing will change that.
What do you other DBers think? I don't want anyone to think that I am not happy with the changes in my sitch, I very much am. But I want to know that I am not crazy for being fearful about this.
