Had a very long and relaxing weekend with H. Coming back to the city is soo hard! I love being around H and how we are when we are relaxed. Then it's back to our real lives and responsibilities.
I had a MAJOR realization today. A personal project I'm spearheading took a bad turn today. Work-work and personal life have been pretty stressful this past year. My personal projects are my sanity or so I thought.
The issue with my personal project isn't entirely my fault but I am to blame for some of the problem. With everything else compounded in my sitch and my life, I was devastated by the news and was this close to becoming a WAW myself!
First instinct was to go to H for him to comfort me and tell me that I will be ok. Reasonable enough, right? That's what spouses do. Howeever the realization is this- I have serious self-esteem issues. My dad was pretty emotionally and verbally abusive ( something he picked up from his Dad). Well this has lead me to place a lot of my emotional self-worth onto my Rs with men.
In the beginning of my R with H I thought that this time it is different. However, I'm finally becoming aware of these deeprooted problems in my M. I finally realize this may be why my H says that he is always afraid to disappoint me.
I constantly take on things with every good intention in mind but I don't take the time to think what they might really need or what I may or may not be able to bring to it. I finally realize that I look to these situations to provide me with a sense of self-worth and when it blows up, it only confirms my already existing negative feelings.
In fact, I see that I often perpetuate these cycles of seeking out approval and then dashing my own hopes because that is what I am familiar with!!! I need to find a way to be able to break this cycle. This is something I CANNOT do with H's help. It just took my R with H to finally see this for what it is.
I'm scared that I won't be able to have an R with my H. I'm afraid that we are both hardwired for some pretty self-destructive ways of life. I feel like I am doing a lot of work and some days I can't see how our R will work out.
I don't see my H doing this kind of self-exploration at all.
I had a conversation with my friend this afternoon and we discussed how my H, in all likelihood, needs to have the attention of myself and OW. That he isn't even aware of the need to have this, the support it provides him, the control it gives him within our R. (H and I are both control freaks) How can we possibly move past this while still being in an R together? Isn't this something that really needs to be done alone?
