Well last night I decide to engage my H in a convo about past issues that were a concern under the guise of "addressing" this issues towards moving back in together.
Please realize that Im giving advice to myself on this, so take it for what it is... a fellow DBer who's struggling with the same stuff. Was this a good time to approach a R convo for you? Vent here, find a friend who'll listen and reassure you. Take a hot bath and relax!! Anything but succumb to the urge to have a R convo about the past that your H doesn't want and that starts with you in an emotional state. I'm very slowly learning that my H wants the past behind us.. forever. He says discussing wears him out because he can't relate to the person he was that was hurting me that way, and it brings up a lot of guilt that crushes his PMA.
Gosh again on you assuming alot and your H viewing the friendship differently. We have the same issue! My H says it was really just a friendship. He didn't see any harm in the convos, was constanly surprised by my reaction to his contact with OW. It only got better when his depression eased up and he found his feelings, including feelings of empathy for mine. That and his R with OW self destructed. He started to see her for the sl*t that she is, and saw me as his sweet W.. the person that truly understands and loves him.
I assume that it is because I am not enough for him. That he needs to go elsewhere because I am simply not enough for him. That is coming out of my insecurities. When I have voiced my concerns that he needs something else other than me, he is very quick to say that I am his ideal. When I have asked if he was attracted to her, he said no because she is not you.
Here again, I know how you feel! My H said the same thing "She's not you" "I wasn't really attracted to her.. it didnt feel right" "She was just "there". How are you handling your insecurities? The measure of our worth is not determined by someone else (remind me of that!) It's determined by how we feel about ourselves. I've always looked to my H to make me happy and to measure myself based upon how he feels about me. That's gotta stop! It's one of my biggest goals.. how about you? Fortunately, I'm learning through my bible study what my value is. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, and it doesn't matter, but what will it take to convince you that you are valuable just the way you are? I was looking at the perfectionist thread.. yikes. Us women, why do we strive to be perfect and earn love? I mean, it's one thing to strive to be loveable, but to not love who we are without always thinking we must do more, be more? And the strange thing is, when I ask my H what do I need to change?.. he basically says he loves me just the way I am. Sure, he'd like me to not be so bossy, he'd like me to let go of the past, but in general, he is happy with me and the A had nothing at all to do with me. Your H says you are his ideal.. it sounds like you do the same things as I do.. push H away looking for validation. In trying to get confirmation of what we've already been told, we are becoming less than ideal in their eyes. Maybe they just want us to chill out, enjoy their company, love the stuffing out of them, and be happy.
Hey, let us know how it goes with the DB coach. Reading your posts helps me personally so much. It feels good to know that I'm not insane and someone else is working through the same issues and taking baby steps. Especially you saying winning the battle didn't bring you any closer to H. I'll have to remember that!
