Thank you for stopping by. Yes, I need to create a list of goals for my M and write them down so that I can see them before me and not just in my head.
I kind of screwed up last night. I'm kind of emotional to begin with but it's that time and I'm VERY emotional during that time but it's getting better as I continue to work on myself. Well last night I decide to engage my H in a convo about past issues that were a concern under the guise of "addressing" this issues towards moving back in together.
Earlier in the evening I was acting distant towards H because of the fact that I saw he was maintaing his friendship with OW. This was compounded when H got a call on his cell and wouldn't answer it in front of me. OW often calls or texts H on his cell. I had my hand on H's leg when call came in. I unconciously removed my hand from his leg and H put it back on saying " You don't have to stop just because my phone rang" Always that same damn elephant in the room!
Anyway, I'm looking at this several different ways. I first have to weigh negatives with positives. Many, many positives. Negatives- the same negatives. On a bad day like yesterday, I can't tell if I have made any progress towards the negatives. I guess that's where my M goals come into play.
I find that I am assuming ALOT about H's "friendship". At this point, H has not and will not admit that this friendship is an EA or that it is even inappropriate. I know that he knows that it causes me great pain, yet he continues to be friends with her. He says that he isn't friends with her anymore and there's a good chance that he has scaled down their friendship but it is still there.
I assume that it is because I am not enough for him. That he needs to go elsewhere because I am simply not enough for him. That is coming out of my insecurities. When I have voiced my concerns that he needs something else other than me, he is very quick to say that I am his ideal. When I have asked if he was attracted to her, he said no because she is not you.
So there are many of these assumptions flying around. When I'm very down I feel that he really doesn't want me and that if somehow he could combine the two of us he would have his perfect woman. H works in an industry that caters to urban social scenes. H is not heavy into any scene but he has a need to be accepted by the people in them. It's hard for me to get over being insecure about my H's need to be part of the scenes, especially as he is growing older.
I want to be able to be secure that H loves me for who I am and for me to believe that I truly am his ideal. I wish that H could see that he is so much better than the people in these scenes. It's one thing to look that way in your 20s. It's another thing to still look the same way and do the same things in your 30s or beyond.
So, looking back the conversation was pointless. Twice H said " I don't want to talk about this right now." The second time he asked me why I couldn't just let it go. Stubborn me, I had to pursue it. I get to these points where I am so consumed by my hurt of H's slow progress, continued friendship with OW, and that I have never been able to ever directly address these issues without a huge fight erupting that I cling to these other battles as a way of making it seem that I haven't completely rolled over for him.
It's an ego fake out. Winning the battle last night did not bring me any closer to my H. In fact, it pushed him away. Then I start obsessing that each little fight will bring him closer to OW. I apologized to H this morning. H called me before he got into work to say " I love you". We've talked a couple of times during the day today and I have a session with my DB coach tonight.
I'm trying to look at each slip-up as a way to test where I am in all of this.
