I feel like I'm in wonderland these days with my M. Before any DBers assume that this means that all is perferct, keep in mind the real wonderland was a crazy place where everything was reversed and you didn't know if you were coming or going. So my M is kind of like that. Many, many positives coupled with WTFs?!
We are getting along better than ever before. H has begun to apply for new jobs. I'm beginning to work on eliminating control issues. H and I have begun dialogue to live together again. H agreed to counseling if we reach a stalemate in our R discussions.
Now here comes the WTFs. OW sitch. H and OW are co-workers. They became "friends" over two years ago when OW got divorced. H was OW's shoulder to cry on. First year of friendship H would mention to me when he was hanging out with OW. I got weird vibes from this woman from the very beginning although I'm also aware that a portion of that had to do with my own insecurities and control issues.
During first year, instead of asking directly about friendship with OW, I would "discuss" my insecurities with him. Now, looking back, I see how that created an image in my H's mind of how I'm not capable of dealing with H's being friends with women. Fast forward to H's depression and unhappiness escalating to where 5 nights out of the week H was out with "friends". No mention of hanging out with OW anymore but the friends he did mention weren't ones he would be really hanging out with on such a regular basis.
H's drinking and depression increase. I'm getting weirder vibes about OW, although there isn't anything that H is doing that would make me suspicious other than his distance and his going out all the time. Let's just say that my gut was telling me something.
My H has breakdown last Labor Day which lasts until end of Novemeber, when we decided to separate. In October I looked at H's cell phone and saw that 90% of calls were to OW. I didn't check text messages. I ask H if anything was going on and he said no. I make mistake of calling OW and that blows up in a big way where H was incensened and screaming that I humiliated him. I'm hysterical because I think that I will lose H forever but am torn because I KNOW that something is up with OW.
H and I separate in Dec and it is very emotional for the both of us. The weekend before I move out I find sexually explicit photos of OW on H's computer. H swears up and down that he doesn't know how they got there. H and I work through this issue like the phone message. Partly resolved but confirming that both of us want to make things work.
Fast forward again and in April I find blog page that H has kept since Jan. 2004. Most convos are between H and OW, who has her own page. Reading OW's blog I find that H hangs out with her and lies to me about it. OW regards H as a hero and considers him one of her daily essentials. It's very easy to take blog postings out of context and I did just that a couple of times. Confronted H with blog page find and H blows up again and says that they are just "friends" that I am paranoid, etc...
I find DBing and put it into action. Begin to work with DB counselor. Our M begins to improve greatly. H constantly says that he and I are closer than we have ever been. A few weeks ago my DBing was put to the test when OW called while H and I were out together. H and I had argument then a very intense discussion about why H spent so much time with OW. I DBed my a** off on that one!
Later that week, I had an even greater test when H and I were out at a show that OW also attended. OW was agressive and inappropriate but again I was a very zen DBer.
Recently, H began new blog page and invited me to it. Something he obviously has not done with other blog page. New blog page is very creative, very positive. H's other blog page is more negative and kind of childish. I checked today and saw that he is maintaining both pages.
This is where I am dumbfounded. H is obviously making very positive changes in his life but yet is still holding on to this bulls**t. H and I are both 34 years old. We are not some suburban couple that is settled down with a house and kids. However, a lot of the people on his original blog page are anywhere from 5 to 10 years younger than he is. OW is 4 years younger but is a ridiculous scenester.
I just can't figure out where my H is. I'm not surprised that he maintains both pages. In fact, I kind of expected it. I just want to be able to understand him and that's hard to do when he has these two sides to him with one that is kept hidden from me. Note- H has admitted that he has problems with secrecy and our R was the first time that he has acknowledged this problem.
I'm hoping for some feedback from my fellow DBers. I feel that H and I have made some very significant progress. I also feel that I am personally beginning to make progress. That's why I moved to this forum of piecing from newcomers. I would like some help and perspective as I begin the process of moving back in with my H. Any help is greatly appreciated!
