I'm trying for a longer post today. So, I had a good session with my C last night. We talked about beginning to eliminate my need to control. First and foremost this is for me because I'm tired of living this way. First step to begin to deal with this is to address my constant obssessing over sitches I can't control. Right now on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst, I am at a 5 or 6. Ideally I want to be at a 3 generally with my bad days being a 5. I've had some really bad years where my good days were a 6 and my worst were off the charts! I've settled down a lot in the past five years. Still, I'm undermined by the thoughts and it's time to deal with them.
Lately, I have been obsessing about OW and my boss. My C's suggestion was to allow myself 30 mins to obsess everyday and after that to do serious thought-stopping whenever these two come up. Very DB, I thought. Anyway, I'm going to try it. I'm very curious to see what I would be like mentally.
I know this will have really good effects on my M. H and I had an intense discussion this morning where he called me on trashing OW under various topics. I don't trash OW directly but instead go after things that she does or likes. It needs to stop. My H wasn't harsh about it but basically made it clear that it has to come to an end. It's hard because I hate her and hate the fact that my H would find anything redeeming about her. But he has made it clear that he wants M to work so I need to for the sake of making it happen.
This is going to be hard!! But I'm going to do it regardless of any outcome or if my sitch changes for the better or worse. Those things cannot affect whether I make this change or not. It has to be done honestly and for the pure sake of my mental sanity and well-being.
I'm going to need a lot of walks and meditation. I think I'll also start posting my various obsessive fears on here as my outlet because I know my friends are tired of hearing me and I can't afford weekly sessions with a DB Counselor. Please keep in mind most of these are going to be very out-there thoughts but it helps me to look at them to trace them back to a point of reality and to put it into perspective.
Paranoid thoughts this afternoon- 1.H is friends with OW again and thinks OW is better than me because she is better than me at playing as if she is balanced, enlightened, and evolved. 2. H is angry about having more taxes taken out of paycheck to cover required federal amount and wants to use this to not be close with me or end M.
Fellow DBers- feel free to ask me about my paranoid thoughts. It'll give you more insight to my sitch, plus it helps me to examine them and find ways to realistically address them with myself and within my M.
