I guess my fears are twofold: One, that they will reconcile their friendship. This is pure speculation on my part but I think their friendship cooled dramatically after an encounter at a club where H was with me, S and SBF. OW was also there and made a concerted effort to talk to H even though H was not actively encouraging this and was very much at club with me. See old thread for more info.
I'm afraid that they will just end friendship because of hurt feelings instead of addressing the fact that friendship was inappropriate and because of this it could resume again. Does that make any sense?
I know that I don't ahve ANY control over that, if that is the case and that's where DBing come in. But it still scares and concerns me.
And yes, we also don't have as much time alone. H and I now spend a majority of our time together. I guess this is common after EA or PA end but I don't know. In the past H either spent time with me or OW. He doesn't have many friends that he sees on a regular basis. OW became a friend to H, second to his R with me. I would love some suggestions as to how to get through this phase of the sitch.
Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Update on sitch-
Some positives: H said several times in the past week how he feels closer to me than at any other time in our R.
H started new blog page and has been posting there ALOT. I don't know if he still maintains old blog, communicating with OW but it is HUGE that he invited me to this one and more importantly the tone of his posts on the new page are much more positive. Blog with posts by OW was really childish and very negative.
H and I worked through a couple of sitches where my anxiety and/or paranoia would take hold. This time I talked them through with H and was able to work some things out.
Hi sikan - Many of your thoughts resonate with me It will take a long time to come to terms with what has happened. In the meantime, some ideas.
Quote: OW was also there and made a concerted effort to talk to H even though H was not actively encouraging this and was very much at club with me.
Every time that H can see OW as demanding, it is an opportunity for you to shine as the better alternative. Continue to be the fun person, and draw him closer, without demanding attention, which sounds like exactly what you are doing
Quote: I'm afraid that they will just end friendship because of hurt feelings instead of addressing the fact that friendship was inappropriate and because of this it could resume again. Does that make any sense?
Yes it does make sense, but in time most of them do wake up from the alien grip and do make the break for good reasons. Sometimes there are several break-ups. That's why pushing them to end things is not really constructive, it will happen in its own course. What we can do is influence by showing what the alternative is.
Quote: He doesn't have many friends that he sees on a regular basis. OW became a friend to H, second to his R with me. I would love some suggestions as to how to get through this phase of the sitch.
This seems to be a common theme here. Make sure there are new activities - we planned salsa one night a week, I learnt how to skate and roller blade so that it was something we could do together, and we moved house, a project that kept us both entertained and occupied for a few months, which turned out to be critical months in the end of the affair.
Thank you for your input. It is much appreciated. I do know that at the heart of my sitch, H loves me more than anything else. The OW sitch is very painful and I'm still not sure why he choose that option but it is part of the whole picture and something that must be considered and dealt with in due time. Patience does not come easily to me and this is something that I have wanted to run away screaming from.
I'm trying to keep an open mind as much as I am capable of at this time. I realize that there are much more effective ways of dealing with sitch than living in fear or stifling extreme anger as I have been this past year. It will also take some time for me to move beyond these reactions.
I've been trying to do more thought stopping. She's popped up in my head alot recently. I used to look at a blog page that she and my H would post on. After the encounter in the club, I stopped doing that. In fact, the face-to-face encounter was really helpful in shattering the many illusions I had about her person. Seeing her up close and more importantly hearing her voice gave me tremendous insight as to who she is. She's a rough time to say the least. I had created this fictional character of her based on my own insecurities.
While I do NOT want to run into her on a regular basis, I'm ok with seeing her because I know that it helps me to keep myself in perspective as to how great her impact is in my and my H's lives. I would be extremely happy if she just moved far, far away or at least got another job and stopped working with my H. I know that this isn't the way to change things effectively or permanently.
H and I are going away this weekend. We are both very much looking forward to the time off. I would like to find ways of reestablishing R. It's definitely moving forward. I'm wondering if I need to even be doing anything other than good DBing or if I should be a little more hands-off and see what comes out of that.
I'm going away for a few days with H. We are both looking forward to it. I figured I should get a post in here because I'll be gone for the next four days.
Wondering if anyone else feels a lot of sadness and trepidation when things are starting to turn around in sitch for the better. Things are starting to improve in my sitch and strangely enough instead of glad I'm feeling kind of depressed. Is this normal?
Last night, H and I ML before we went to sleep. H and I had a discussion a little bit before about changing his tax status. We owed the IRS big time last year and recently just met with our accountant who advised us to withhold at highest rate. I have changed my status but H has not. He gave two reasons for this. 1. He was too busy last week and HR person was out sick. 2. He already changed his status and thinks they won't let him. (accountant already said that there are ways around this.)
I was angry because $$ issues are a problem between us. Getting H to combine finances with me was a huge ordeal. It's a part of his issues with sharing his life with others. I know this is part of the process of us working on our R and that it will come in baby steps and that I need to be patient and balanced about it.
Point is, all of last night I had been feeling blue about the R and his not changing his status set me off. I was able to detach from those feelings while ML and see how they were affecting me. Afterwards, I asked H directly if a part of the reason why he hadn't changed things yet was because he hates dealing with $$ issues. He said no, it was the other reasons he had mentioned and asked if that was how I thought of him. I said I knew that he has issues with $$ and it's better for me to be direct about that rather than to assume.
And that was the end of it. So, I am beginning to see behind a lot of my reactions but sometimes I feel that DBing has opened a Pandora's Box of my emotions and alot is coming to the surface.
Just interested in seeing if anyone else experiences this as well.
Hi Sikan! Just wanted to wish you and H a pleasant get away weekend
I would have to say that I am the one in our R who doesn't like to discuss $$ issues. I wish I had some experience or advice to share. Only thing I can say is that facing my fears re: talking about $$ issues does help. Also, not speculating/mind-reading what my H is thinking in this area.
What things do you do to make yourself feel better? Manicure? What about a pre-trip pampering of some sort?
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Thanks for checking in. I wish I could say that I had some pre-getaway treat for myself but the trip itself is my treat. Instead, I'm trying to keep a sore throat from turning into something worse during the weekend and attending a group meeting for the side-business that I run, then I'm headed out of town!
I know I need to do things for myself. It's hard for me to break away from my sitch and DB work. Today, I made myself not think about my R at all for an hour. That was my treat to myself. To know that for that one hour if I didn't think about my H, or our M that it would still be there and be just fine when the hour was over. So a big part of my DBing is to break these obsessive patterns within myself. It's all about baby steps.
I promise that as a treat to myself, I will try very hard to not think obsessively over the weekend. It's hard though. I get very scared when I think about letting go.
Hey sikan, have a really great trip. Hope you get this before you leave. For the sore throat, try ZBEC (found near the stresstabs in the vitamin section) Or any other similar product. It has Zinc, Vit B, Vit E, and Vit C. I take it whenever I feel a cold coming on or if someone in the house gets sick, and I either don't get anything, or else it is greatly minimized.
And to answer your earlier question, yes, we all feel that way when things begin to work out. You are holding in your emotions for so long and doing the "as-if" and "180" thing. You try so hard to be "fun" and "happy" and it really takes it's toll on you. When things come back around for the good, suddenly it feels as if it is all coming down on you.
In my case, I wondered if I would ever be able to trust H again (yes, I do now) or if I would love him (I do, very much). I wondered if I would ever get over the pain of the EA (I did) and just basically felt very angry, hurt, and emotional for a long time. I felt it was very hard once he came back not to just "make him pay" when I began to feel these feelings. Instead, I talked with him matter of factly about what I was feeling and he was very receptive. He recognized how hurt I was and he was amazing at making me feel like it would work out.
Hi Sikan! I think you've made a good move here to a place where you'll get feedback more appropriate to your sitch. Things are moving forward...just really try to get a handle on the anxiety end of it. I think it is normal to have these neg. emotions and feel really scared when things start turning...because it is scarey to start letting your guard down. And like was pointed out, all the DBing work you've done is exhausting and your emotions shoved down, but still lurking. Do not let those emotions take charge of you. You and your H are doing fine. Take it slow. Sikan....you are going to be ok! I wish you lots and lots of luck and say kudos for all the hard work you've been doing!
Sikan, Just noticed your move over here. I was wondering a little about the old thread. While I seem to be heading down a different path, I will continue to check in. I might not be able to give the advice that others here can, but I will chime in when I can. As for what is going on with you, I think it is great! You seem to be much more able to handle some of the bumps that go on in your R than when you started posting. I am sooo happy for you! I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
As for your sore throat, fluids, fluids, fluids and vitamin C throughout the day. My mom was a nurse and pushing the fluids is the best thing. And I mean you should have a drink in your hands all day. Granted, if you're working or whatever, it should be next to you and drink some as much as possible. Yes, you'll have to hit the ladies room quite a bit more, but a small price for getting better. Can't wait to here how the weekend goes.
Today is a good day and tomorrow will be even better!
Never give up.
The weekend was good, in spite of the full-blown cold I got Weds. night. H and I laid low this weekend and had a great time doing very little!
I can't post for very long unfortunately but I do want to mention one point. My landlord needs to know by 9/30 if I plan to renew my lease for another year. H and I have been actively talking about our future for some time. However, there are no dates attached to any of these talks. This weekend I mentioned that I would need to give my landlord notice and asked H if I should just renew for another year. He said not necessarily but could we talk about it later on. (we were eating) I said ok and tabled it for the time being. I'm planning on bringing this up again during one of our Sunday "walk and talks". I'm also going to discuss this with my DB coach next week. I have a little over a month but I wanted to get the ball rolling.
I need to start to think of the things I need to have changed before I move back in with him. I'm going to be focusing on those issues instead of obsessing over things like OW, although she does factor in.
I will post more later on.
SH and Maverick, thank you so much for coming over to piecing to check in. It is very much appreciated. I hope all is going well in your lives!
It will take a long time to come to terms with what has happened. In the meantime, some ideas. 
Slowly
You seem to be much more able to handle some of the bumps that go on in your R than when you started posting. I am sooo happy for you! I hope you have a wonderful weekend. 