Here's the breakdown Me 33 H 34 No kids Married 2 yrs, together 5
H has had chronic depression most of his life. Reached his breaking point this past fall and asked to separate to deal with problems. I agreed to give him space and we have been living in separate apts. since 12/04. Both H and I are committed to making R and M work. Possible EA with OW, co-worker. Recent new developments with that posted on old thread.
H and I had problems with addiction and avoidance. I had problems with alcohol and anorexia and H also is alcoholic. I have been sober for 4 yrs. and H stopped drinking in Dec. in order to appropriately deal with problems.
I would love for some Piecers to take a look at my sitch and give me some feedback. In general, I feel that the outlook is more positive on this thread than on newcomers. Also, H has insisted from the beginning that he wants to make our M work.
I have read some of your sitch from Newcomers. The title of the depressed spouse had caught my eye as I have one of those too and he also has a drinking problem although that is great news that your H has stopped as of 12/04.
I look forward to reading/seeing your progress over here and the input from experienced Piecers
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi sikan, glad to have you here. I am a successful DBer that just needs to work out some minor kinks in her M. My H just recently joined the BB with me...
I am so happy for you that you are recovering successfully. If you are anything like the alcoholics in my family, you desperately need some time to make yourself happy. Tell us what your goals are and also what you are doing to treat yourself like you deserve to be treated. How do you make yourself happy?
Thank you for welcoming me to this thread. I don't have much time to post today because work has been absolutely insane and unfortunately the only time I have access to a computer is at work.
I knew that posting on piecing was the right move. Your question, Rotzilla, of what I am doing to make myself happy is dead-on. Both my H and I are dealing exactly with that right now. It's funny because I'm in Al-Anon and like my experiences with that group, I came to this BB wanting to find help for my H and his problems not mine. Imagine my surprise when I learned that actually it's about me.
I want to be able to post a longer message. I hope that tomorrow is less hectic or maybe this afternoon, if I'm lucky. Thanks for your support!
Still not a lot of time to post updates for sitch but maybe that's just the way it is supposed to be this week.
I've given alot of thought to SP1 and Rotzilla's posts about what I need to do to heal myself. I'm definitely feeling the strain of trying to balance it all. In fact, I completely cracked this morning. Thankfully, after H went home to his apt to get ready for work.
I freaked out because I thought something was wrong with my vision. To explain, my Mom, the ultimate caretaker/martyr, has Multiple Sclerosis. Now while I know this is a disease that randomly strikes individuals, I also believe that her illness was in large part her only way to be able to claim personal space for herself. I freaked about the eye thing because vision problems are a symptom of MS. So yes, while I overreacted, I think it was just a hysterical way of acknowledging to myself that I am doing and trying to do WAY too much! This is pressure that I am putting on myself and now I have the insight to take a step back and look at what I can realistically ahndle at this point.
Another interesting point to my freak out is that I called H and told him I was scared about problem and that I was thinking of going to the hospital. At this point, I was very calm in my speech and retelling of my fears. H said that since the problem went away after I washed my face it was unnecessary for me to go to the hospital. I said I would talk about it more when he picked me up for work.
We did talk about it, he reiterated his logic and I explained that my fears and how they related to my stress this week. All in all it was a calm conversation. The first we have ever had about this topic!
H's mom died of a brain hemmorage (sp?). She also completely burned herself out trying to take care of others. H is very sensitive to hysteria and paranoia because of his experiences with his mom. I have had problems of hypochondria and paranoia because of my upbringing. Funny how two people can connect on issues like this without even realizing it until the issues begin to show themselves!
H has mentioned a number of times how he will know that I am getting better once my paranoia and hysteria calm down. I understand what he means and I agree to some degree. In some instances such as: OW sitch and alcoholic behaviors (denial, avoidance, secrecy), it's hard not to have my paranoia kick into high gear. This is an area both H and I work together on.
I hope this post isn't all over the place. I'm in dire need of a very relaxing weekend and to get this work day done and over with. Have a good weekend everyone!
I understand about hypochrondria. I took Phen-Fen and every once in a while, I freak out and feel like I am going to die. It usually just turns out to be a chest cold or allergies. Relax. Maybe take up some meditation. I find it very calming. In fact, I have very high blood pressure. When I do my breathing exercises, it actually normalizes. That's enough physical proof for me to know it is working. And it makes me feel in control of myself, like I am doing something to make myself better.
Exercise is another really great one, if you like to... I find bike riding very relaxing, and it burns off the stress hormones nicely. It's a great, healthy habit to replace the old... and a nice way of doing something for yourself and meeting new people with like interests.
Find something you are interested in doing yourself. Good luck. Keep us posted.
Hi Sikan - I am also swamped at work but wanted to post to you real quick
I too can relate to the hypochondria and growing up in that type of household. I have managed it much better since DB and meditation like Rotzilla mentioned. Sage in Piecing recommends Jack Kornfield for meditation tapes and cds. Some that I have are: Your Buddha Nature (tapes) Meditation for Beginners (cd with book) The Art of Mediation (cds) I also do yoga and the treadmill which both help with anxiety, etc. Do you have a work out routine?
I also can relate to the eye thing. My eye has been twiching for about 2 weeks now. I am hoping it is stress and not anything big. Also, my H experienced decreased vision in one eye & I worry about it but wonder if it is alcohol related. He went to the optometrist and got increased power to his Rx..Anyway, I hope your eye feels better real soon and you have a calm and peaceful weekend
SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
SP1- I appreciate your quick post! I do meditate and have been starting to do that every day plus once a week with a group when I can get there. This week was just rough with everything coming together or pulling apart at once.
Some things that have me freaked but that are actually what I have hoped and prayed for are becoming a reality and the pressure is overwhelming! Now, I know this pressure is self-created and that is what I am trying to examine.
My business is beginning to take off and that's scary because success means greater responsibility. My sitch with my H has had some very definite improvements but that's also scary! I don't know if you have an OW in your sitch but my H seems to have ended his "friendship". I feel like I am under a lot of pressure to perform well and to not mess things up so that he goes back to that option.
Again, I know this is all my creation. I'm trying to find ways of approaching my life where these challenges don't undermine me, my confidence, or my sanity.
I was wondering if any DBer got really scared once WAS ended "friendship" with OP. Doesn't matter if it is EA or PA. I think my H has ended his friendship with OW and now I'm really scared and insecure. My H is now spending all of the time that he used to with OW with me. It's kind of unnerving.
Anyone else experience this? Any suggestions to make this process a little more smooth? I want to find ways where I can show my H instead of talking to him about this. Actually talking about this is not a good idea at this time. H needs to see that I can change without constantly talking about change. H and I spend a lot of time talking and this particular sitch has been an extremely "touchy" subject between us.
Hi Sikan - A belated welcome to Piecing, and yes, I can relate to this fear.
Quote: I think my H has ended his friendship with OW and now I'm really scared and insecure. My H is now spending all of the time that he used to with OW with me. It's kind of unnerving.
Tell us why you feel insecure about this... For me, I found that 'my time' became so limited that the things I used to be able to do freely (like posting here ) became tough as he seems to be around all the time. Over time though, we have carved out a little more personal space for each of us. Not as much as we used to have before the affair, but adequate it seems.
Good luck. Keep us posted. 
