Hi Tessa ... I'm next door in Virginia! I understand you were asked to come along on our recent DB get-together this past Saturday ... wished you could have made it. It was very nice to put faces to the words. All very good people.
I made plans with my niece for saturday so I couldn't go. Plus I worked part of the weekend. Hopefully next time. I was told it was alot of fun.
I fear my H may be caught up in an EA .. have no concrete proof .. just my woman's intuition. Can you shed a little light on your sitch? How did you find out? Signs? Ages? Who is 'she'? How did he treat you during this time.
I didn't know about the affair until he told me. But looking back in the months leading up to him telling me he was more emotionally withdrawn from me. He repeatedly said to me "I just can't give you what you need". He stayed away from home more and more (not with her, just even more involved in his volunteer work). He spent alot of time on-line on a message board that she frequented too. As far as who she is -- someone he started talking to on a message board which proceeded to e-mails and then phone calls. Problem -- she only lives a few miles away. She's been divorced twice, is 10 years older than my H and has a 12-13 year old daughter. (H and I do not have any children). He told her all of the things I did wrong so she being the opportunist that she is, starting doing all of those things right. The part that hurts the most is all I've ever asked from him he wouldn't put the effort out for me but he did for her.
As far as words of wisdom -- I can tell you what I did wrong:
1. I cried, begged and pleaded trying to get him to say she meant nothing to him and he would end the "friendship" with her.
2. I confronted her --- really bad because by confronting her, I was the bad one in my H eyes and she had done nothing wrong. It really pushed him even further away.
3. I repeatedly told him my opinion of her -- that was really bad too because in his eyes she was/is an angel who has again "done nothing wrong".
4. From the beginning he has asked me to just leave him alone to deal with it. He has even blamed me for why this is still going on -- his opinion is that had I left him alone he would have "take care of" the issue. Maybe he would have, maybe he wouldn't have -- I can't go back and find out. But certainly not leaving him alone and not giving him his space when he asked for it was a wrong thing to do.
5. I focused too much on the "relationship" between H and OW instead of focusing on re-establishing a friendship w/my H and then rebuilding our relationship from there.
6. I have a difficult time letting it go. When H and I have spent time together I have found myself making smarta$$ comments which really do not help the situation.
So those are several of my mistakes.
The things I think I have done right:
1. Looking at myself and the person that I had become. Realizing that I didn't like myself and working at the changes to make myself a better person.
2. Leaving H alone. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do this for as long as he has needed me to. I left him alone for an entire week once and when I gave in and called, he was upset. I told him it was a whole week, that's a long time. He said, "no, to me it's not a long time at all". So the new thing I am trying to do is to leave him alone as long as necessary and allow him to "come back on his own" (those are also his words)
