Well, today is the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, and while I am not so traditionally observant, it is a day of reflection. The weather here in the Northeast has been rainy and miserable for at least a week, which is contributing to my somber mood. I just read my thread from this time last yr...it's interesting that the issues are the same but there have been subtle changes that make a big difference. I want to thank everybody for all the input...I could not have gotten this far without the help here from the BB. HP, last yr you were getting ready for baby #3 and still took time to help me through...thank you for your generosity.
Today is a day of forgiveness and I am happy to say I have gotten to such a better place in this regard---forgiving my mother for a neglectful childhood, forgiving my H for his hurtful behavior and most importantly, forgiving myself for the unhealthy choices I have made while trying to cope with life and for causing pain to others. I hope to move forward in a good way.
H and I are in a nice place now...we have replaced a lot of the drama with some good emotional connection. My HDness is toned down, partly because I am not fueled by anxiety and rejection, and partly because I don't want to overwhelm H. I have made a promise to myself not to shut this part of myself down again. So it's a fine line I walk...keeping an element of sexuality going, but not overdoing it as to cause undo pressure in the marriage.
I get the sense that H wants to live a healthy and balanced life with me. He isn't as defensive and angry and follows through in our sex life and in other ways. I have learned the hard way that I want his support and how important he is to me. It's going to take time to rebuild the trust and vulnerability...it's easier to battle the control issues and distract ourselves rather than restoring intimacy.
Hiya journey. Your post got me thinking about where I was last year at this time. I had written my W an email with a Yom Kippur theme, asking for her forgiveness, and forgiving her. It backfired, of course. I was reading some of my posts from that time, and part of me feels like I've made no progress at all. We are still fighting the same fights, it seems.
But I'm also hopeful, as I always am at this time of year, (even if I don't go to the synagogue) that it is the beginning of a new year, and who knows what might happen.
Hi Hairdog... Hope the year brings much joy to you. In reading last year's stuff, I had the same reaction as you, how the same issues are there; I'm living a watered down version (certainly no major transformation). But like you, I remain hopeful of continued progress and feel I now have more realistic expectations.
L'shana tova to y'all, too! I spent all day in the synagogue (yesterday evening, too). The choir director of the two choirs that I'm in at the local junior college was hired by one of the congregations in town to play for their high holiday services, so I went to hear her. She is one heckava musician! Today was practically nonstop piano playing from 10 am through about 6 pm. She's not Jewish, she's Christian Science! But she loved the service and a good time was had by all.
Did anyone ever see that episode of Northern Exposure that was a takeoff on A Christmas Carol and had Joel encounter the ghosts of Yom Kippur past, present, and future? It was brilliant-- like so many of those episodes.
Hairdog, all day I was thinking of last year when you mentioned to your W about forgiveness and she was so hateful to you. I believe at that time you were contemplating a move to the basement.
I wonder if we'll still be hanging around here next Yom Kippur?
Quote: I wonder if we'll still be hanging around here next Yom Kippur?
Leshana Haba B' SSM Board? I don't know...it sounds almost as scary as Jerusalem.
Sorry to all you gentiles...we have to stop excluding you.
Yes, Lillie, I re-read the "basement" thread just yesterday. It's always an option, I guess. Right now, things seem to be okay. W is out of town until next Wednesday, on a trip with her mom and sister. I get to spend some fun time with DD4 this weekend, and am looking forward to it.
