Well, today is the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, and while I am not so traditionally observant, it is a day of reflection. The weather here in the Northeast has been rainy and miserable for at least a week, which is contributing to my somber mood. I just read my thread from this time last yr...it's interesting that the issues are the same but there have been subtle changes that make a big difference. I want to thank everybody for all the input...I could not have gotten this far without the help here from the BB. HP, last yr you were getting ready for baby #3 and still took time to help me through...thank you for your generosity.
Today is a day of forgiveness and I am happy to say I have gotten to such a better place in this regard---forgiving my mother for a neglectful childhood, forgiving my H for his hurtful behavior and most importantly, forgiving myself for the unhealthy choices I have made while trying to cope with life and for causing pain to others. I hope to move forward in a good way.
H and I are in a nice place now...we have replaced a lot of the drama with some good emotional connection. My HDness is toned down, partly because I am not fueled by anxiety and rejection, and partly because I don't want to overwhelm H. I have made a promise to myself not to shut this part of myself down again. So it's a fine line I walk...keeping an element of sexuality going, but not overdoing it as to cause undo pressure in the marriage.
I get the sense that H wants to live a healthy and balanced life with me. He isn't as defensive and angry and follows through in our sex life and in other ways. I have learned the hard way that I want his support and how important he is to me. It's going to take time to rebuild the trust and vulnerability...it's easier to battle the control issues and distract ourselves rather than restoring intimacy.
