Something like this would work great on a man like you H. But I'm with IHJ on this....this would be perceived as nothing but pressure by my H. It might turn him on initially...but later he'd resent me for it because he'd feel I manipulated the situation.
Personally...I like the idea, it just wouldn't fly too well with him.
I can tell you guys now, it's not about the sex even though it feels that way---the sex is necessary for what it really represents -- emotional connection, about caring about each other and believing in something bigger than yourselves. I have windows of this and then it breaks down, but I am getting there, with the help of this BB. One thing I realize is that our partner's actions have so much effect on us, so be good to each other.
So CeMar is right in a way. The emotional connection is so important because it makes us feel connected to (the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts) something bigger than us. When a SO is not involved in the M the way we want them to be, we can't be either so we feel lost or disconnected ourself.
IHJ Good to see you and H making the connections you "DO" make.
The trip brought us back to that early part of our relationship ( we haven't been back in almost 20 yrs), I have not seen the bell since 1976. I used to live about 30 miles from it. I have not been in the area since 1986.
Best wishes on your journey. Glad to see you will check in weekly.
Quote: I have been afraid of detaching from my sexuality, afraid of lsoing this wonderful feeling of tingles and need and want.
I’ve felt the same way. I see people here talking about wanting or even trying to go LD, but that doesn’t appeal to me at all. Even though it’s a nearly constant source of frustration, I do enjoy my sexuality. I like the tingles and twinges. It seems like life would be pretty dull and boring without them. (No offense meant to any LDs who think I’m speaking Greek here.)
I tried repressing my HD for many years in my M and I ended up feeling depressed, bored, just unhappy with most of life.
The thing is, my H who was LD in most of our M, also got depressed, bored, unfulfilled, etc. We were feeding off of each others unmet needs and that destroyed the marriage for a while.
We are on a much better track now but still so much work to be done. As for fantasies of OM, I just updated my own thread on this subject. OM emailed me again last night and that sent me into a whole obsessive state of fantasizing about the "what ifs." DANGER! DANGER! In my case, thinking/fantasizing about OM is NOT ok for me because of the reality that he is out there and reaching out to me. I need to keep focused on my M, NOT OM.
In terms of overall fantasies, they also can be dangerous. Before our separation, I was fantasizing all the time, similar to Z_Bube, about close friends, coworkers, everybody! I think it made me much more vulnerable to acting in an inappropriate way although it never came to that until after the separation. It;s hard to break out of fantasies though, they do make you feel so good.
Quote: OM emailed me again last night and that sent me into a whole obsessive state of fantasizing about the "what ifs." DANGER! DANGER! In my case, thinking/fantasizing about OM is NOT ok for me because of the reality that he is out there and reaching out to me.
Have you ever emailed him a reply akin to "Sorry, but I'd prefer if you wouldn't contact me from now on. I'm trying to get my life back together. Don't expect me to explain it. Please try to respect this whish."?
So CeMar is right in a way. The emotional connection is so important because it makes us feel connected to (the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts) something bigger than us. When a SO is not involved in the M the way we want them to be, we can't be either so we feel lost or disconnected ourself.
It's a pretty special thing, this ML stuff is. Guess I'm a slow learner.
Quote: IHJ Good to see you and H making the connections you "DO" make.
Thanks Lou. I need to remind myself of this when I get a case of the " poor me's".
Quote: I used to live about 30 miles from it. I have not been in the area since 1986.
They moved the Bell to its own building after 9-11 for added security. Kinda nice how they made all this effort to protect a symbol.
Quote: Best wishes on your journey. Glad to see you will check in weekly.
Thanks again...and I am not leaving the board til you go back to referring to BB as W, among other things.
Something like this would work great on a man like you H. But I'm with IHJ on this....this would be perceived as nothing but pressure by my H. It might turn him on initially...but later he'd resent me for it because he'd feel I manipulated the situation.
Personally...I like the idea, it just wouldn't fly too well with him.
Ditto this. My bf would not respond to something like this. He would not see it as fun or "play." It would likely make him mad. Chrissy, remember we're talking about Low Desire men here.
No, I have not emailed the OM to not contact me. Have I thought about it? Yes. Why have I not? Well, I guess I'm not ready to break that final thread of connection to my "old life" as a separated woman. As I've stated in my own thread, I'm still working through all of my feelings.
In my head I know I will not be 100% back in this M until I cut all contact with OM. I guess I'm not 100% sure yet. But I'm more than 80%, so at least that is something to work with for now.
LfL, I'll probably get stomped on for this suggestion, but why not email the OM and tell him you need to break off all contact for a period of time. You name the time... say a year or six months... or three months, if you can't manage six months. Tell him you're working on your marriage and you need to focus on that right now and give it your all.
At least then you won't tense up when you check your email wondering if there will be a message from him. You know this isn't about the OM; you did not see him as a potential long-range partner. It's about the freedom and awakening of your sexuality that he represents. That will always be accessible to you, because it's inside you. Having him there somewhere thinking about you just reminds you that this is so.
There's no rule book to follow here. Do what is workable for you.
If I'm totally honest with myself, the reason I don't want to even tell OM "give me 6 months" or whatever is because I like his attention NOW. Plus, I probably fear he would just tell me "nice knowing you, but I'm done." I crave that attention even if it does come in the form of one email every few weeks. I still get excited when I see his name pop up in my mail. Isn't that telling me something. Why would I want something that is causing only more confusion in my life.
