Yes, Lil, that's it. I guess the food analogy would be that we are eating dinner at 5 pm because that's the time that best suits him, otherwise his stomach acts up and he is not into it. And while I appreciate having the opportunity to enjoy meals with him, sometimes I am just not that hungry myself at that time, and actually if given a choice, would prefer a later dinner to help settle down before going to sleep. And it would be nice to enjoy a meal when I am mouth-watering hungry, esp since my appetite had been off for so long.
I don't know how others deal with this controlling aspect of the HD/LD dilemma. I probably take it out in other areas.
Anyway, I see now what set me off was hearing him "joke" about bothering him at nite; he was finding a way to express the pressure he's been feeling, and I took it in as being insensitive.
Quote: Anyway, I see now what set me off was hearing him "joke" about bothering him at nite; he was finding a way to express the pressure he's been feeling, and I took it in as being insensitive.
Is there anyway to let him know that this is still a very sensitive topic for you and that there is currently little room for jokey type words and actions?
When the two of you have established a more trusting/stable interaction here, then this won't be such a sore point.
Until then - Perhaps letting him know that you are aware of the pressure he is feeling, and that you want to be sensitive to it. But, you are also experiencing pressure and "growing pains" on this issue and at this time, straightforward, honest (yet kind) communication is preferred to any sort of "let's disguise this with humor" because you have tender spots that are easily bruised.
For the ladies information Re: when you are a puddle of melting emotion does he then feel safe with you and can approach you? does he want to protect you? is he able to feel strong because you seem "weak
This is closest to my first feeling (does he want to protect you?) The answer is most of the times I want to protect her. Along with this feeling is, I don't like to see people in distress. I can imagine how lost or lonely they might feel.
The second feeling I get is how can I make this safe for me and the otherperson. Can I carry the load? If not, what "do" I do? Some people say "just be there with her." I am working on that.
Some people withdraw if they don't have answers. That behavior comes across as uncaring or selfish. Maybe it is in some cases. But in some cases it is more related with not knowing exactly what to do next. Sort of like a "fight, flight or fix" response. Could even be a "tired of trying to fix this" thought too.
I don't remember feeling strong because someone else is weak. I do remember the other person should feel as strong as I am. I guess I miss some of the reasons someone else is feeling weak.
Mrs.NOP... H and I have talked about the interplay of my emotional/sensitive nature with H's attacking/defensive nature when we're faced with hurts...not an easy combination. There's some provoking event, then I will get increasingly temperamental and H will get increasingly hostile and then we're distant again. I am aware that this is the reaction to the action of becoming more intimate, and I hope in time things will get easier. I feel we are so much closer, and I am beginning to trust that we both don't want to lose this. Also, I have noticed that the turn around time from intense reaction to making up is quicker-- we don't want to be in a bad space with each other for long.
I doubt H will completely put a brake on the barbed wire comments, any more than I will suddenly stay calm and collected in the face of stress. It helps to remember that underneath the reaction are two hurting people.
Lou... Sometimes my H will stay distant when he knows I am hurting and sometimes he will come forward, and I have to say, coming forward works for me. Makes me feel loved and cared for. For my part, I know in the past I would be withdrawn and shut down by some hurt from him, but there is something wonderful about being able to let in the comfort, something healing and forgiving.
My H is a conflict avoider and really didn't put pressure on me. It was easier for us to not deal with the lack of intimacy and just distract ourselves with life. We both weren't happy underneath and at some point one of us would have ended up being a WAS. Ben Franklin once said, " If there's no love in the marriage there will be love outside the marriage." I'd change that to say that there will be the idea of love outside the marriage at the least.
As you might guess from that quote, we spent the weekend in Philadelphia. After college, H went to grad school in Philly and I did the same in NY; the distance provoked the desire for us to get married, and H moved so that I could be close to my family. The trip brought us back to that early part of our relationship ( we haven't been back in almost 20 yrs), so as the kids were learning about American history, we were reliving a bit of our own. There was so much going on emotionally, reconnecting to our youth, recognizing where we are today, having the kids along...just a lot there that I can't sort out right now. As far as the sex goes, we knew we would ML and set it up that way by getting our own room...we were tired from the day but managed to follow through at nite and more passionately again in the morning. The last thing we did before coming home was visit the Liberty Bell---my H was focused on the mechanics of it all, but symbolically it sort of represents the state of our marriage, fragile and yet enduring.
I was reading GGB's excellent post about the different stages you go through while trying to bring back the passion-- it reminds me of my son's video games ( trying to get through all the levels, getting frustrated, giving up, asking for help, the excitement of getting to the next level, etc). For him, it's easy to know the end point, the game is over...for us on the BB it's hard to know because we have lost touch and aren't sure what we are looking for. I can tell you guys now, it's not about the sex even though it feels that way---the sex is necessary for what it really represents -- emotional connection, about caring about each other and believing in something bigger than yourselves. I have windows of this and then it breaks down, but I am getting there, with the help of this BB. One thing I realize is that our partner's actions have so much effect on us, so be good to each other.
At this point, I recognize H and I have a good, healthy thing going much of the time. I have come to the conclusion that it will only derail us if I push for more. I can't use sex with him to make up for some inner comfort that I am looking for, or press for some new excitement or thrill, without jeopardizing the connection we have now. I appreciate the efforts H is making and I don't want him feeling a sense of constant disappointment.
I have been afraid of detaching from my sexuality, afraid of lsoing this wonderful feeling of tingles and need and want. But, some detachment is necessary right now to preserve what we now have.
I'll will follow the oldies threads and come here with weekly updates. Thanks to all who have been helping me along.
How sensual of a person are you? Maybe dabbling a little in your sensuality is what you need right now.
But on the the sexualality got a question. What is the most darring sexual thing you would be willing to do for H that is not the norm. Meaning would you be willing to cook up a nice little candle lite meal served by you in a little naughty maid custume? Just to blow his mind if this is not your norm. Just thinking if you brought a little fun into sex that it may take some of the pressure off both of you.
Chrissy... That idea would have appealed to me year ago, when I was more idealistic about where I could go with my sensuality. Now I realize that kind of thing would be seen as pressure by my H. I tend to go from overly optimistic to depressed, so I am just trying to be realistic now.
I am realizing there was a point in my life, before marriage and kids, where I could have/should have taken the opportunity for some exploratory sexual fun, but I closed the door on that to take my life to a different place. Those feelings have resurfaced but I am at a different path in the road. My H also closed the door to many potential options, so together we will try to make the best we can out of our lives and be grateful for what is with no regret ( okay... a little regret).
his mind if this is not your norm.