Quick update: H-44 ( almost), I am 43, married 18 yrs, 2 kids. Met in college as friends and then lovers...I was the one to push the relationship along to marriage; both us us really weren't ready but we didn't want to let go either, and that has pretty much been the pattern throughout. Throughout the years my sex drive dwindled, and after becoming a mom I had a different self-identity and being sexual wasn't part of it. We had an ambivalent, confused, non-intimate marriage, neither one of us wanting to take the ultimate responsiblity of ending it. We are both very family oriented and into the kids.
Several yrs ago, after some life changes, I reawakened my desire for sex and intimacy, only to discover my H was quite comfortable with the distance. This has been the journey to keep this part of me going and to heal my marriage, and I thank all of you who have had comments and advice to share...you have helped me so much.
Where it stands now is that H and I want our marriage to be a good one and we are trying to meet our needs better. Overall, I am still the HD one in terms of both sex and the relationship; I guess I have the energy and time now to make this my project and priority. I think I have been too irrationally optimistic about where I can take things....it's like I willfully want to steer the ship around, and my H is co-naviagating, but his direction, because of our past experiences, is different from mine. I have given up the dream of going back to that happy, spontaneous place we once were at; hopefully, we're finding a new land that has some of that. He is making big efforts, but I also see how life stresses are affecting him, and the same is true for me too. I'd like to be able to stay the course and get over past resentments.
I am going to try to post daily...seems to help me stay focused. Insights, comments, ideas, etc are always appreciated.
One thing I have noticed is that H and I go about distancing from one another in different ways. I will tend to get moody and start to think negative thoughts, and H will get defensive, irritable and authoritative. It seems as we start to get closer emotionally and physically, we each get stirred up to the point of wanting space again. I am sure this goes on naturally in healthy relationships, but since we are in this healing phase, everything just seems much more intense.
Right now we are enjoying a nice connection; I did want to ML this morning but decided not to push it. We discussed the next time would be on Tues, and I want to hold to that. Having some sort of a schedule is helpful to me....I like knowing what to expect and having input.
Can I ask how you established the schedule? What you said, how you reached the compromise? I would love to do this with my W, but don't know how I could do it successfully.
Gremlin... The schedule idea came about when I was first going through my HD-ness; I wanted to be more sexual and intimate and H felt pressured, and our sex life was sporadic. He woulld blame it on stress from work, being tired, etc., but I knew he had felt disconnected from me and had a lot of relationship issues ( as did I, but now I was willing to move forward).
He came up with the idea of having one nite during the weekend where we would try to do something fun as a couple, and then ML. It was our Sat Nite Date Nite, and some of the oldies on the board might remember that we went through lots of struggles before we got the hang of it.
In order to have intimacy, you have to come together with a degree of regularity: a starting place. We had many awkward nites in the beginning, but eventually we both showed up, stayed committed to it and moved forward from there. I really credit NOPkins for encouraging me when I was questioning whether planned sex is good sex. ( it is...duh)!
We Have decided to schedule 2 nites of the week to ML...if anything more happens spontaneously, then all the better. If it doesn't, then I can look forward to two nites of togetherness. H doesn't feel pressured by this schedule...he knows he's up for it. He also thinks it's healthy to have some space to build up to it and to miss it.
H went for the vasectomy consult yesterday and is planning to do it in early Sept. He is feeling waaaay anxious about it ...and I don't blame him. Apparently I have to sign a consent form as well. It's a strange feeling as a woman to close the door to your child bearing yrs...I feel I am never quite ready for all these life changes.
It's a quiet time right now here, enjoying the end of summer. I am not going back to my hospital work this yr...thinking of making a change...maybe becoming a marital therapist!
It's a strange feeling as a woman to close the door to your child bearing yrs...I feel I am never quite ready for all these life changes.
How true this words ring. I am 42 have my tubes tied. Need to have a hysterectomy for my endometiosis. But there is something so final about that. I can have my tubes untied (been thinking about it now that my kids are getting older I am not ready to not have children). But cannot seem to be willing to take the final step to not be able to ever have children again even though I may not choose to have anymore. Sounds so silly aye
I did not know your daughter was adopted how wondeful of you and for you. We had considered this years ago but the cost and the waitting and the cost really put it out of our grasp. We use to do foster care but oh the giving them back thing just got to be to much along with some other issues.
The Catholic church use to have a adoption program for kids from Romania not sure if they still do. We checked into it but A. it was still to costly and B. while I am Catholic my H is Baptist so he would have had to convert first before we got into the program.
That is great that there are so many caring giving people here.
