Quote: I wonder if his feelings last year of being "in love" with her were simply his way of easing his guilt. After all, his behavior - if not validated by love - is despicable. But, if it was "true love," perhaps he felt he could better live with himself. He could claim to have been swept away by his soul mate and that there was nothing he could have done to stop it.
Zilla, I think you may be right on this one, at least to a certain extent. I know my H is in the pits right now, because although he won't admit it, his actions toward me go against everything he holds true about what a man should be and do. But in our society, if you leave your wife but say "Oh, we couldn't help it, our love was just so strong..." there are some who will nod their heads, and say, well, OK, you can't fight love. I too, think that is BS, but it's glorified all around us - TV, movies, it's just part of our culture now, unfortunately.
You two hang in there....it's a rough road you are on, but will lead to the biggest reward in the end. Something that sticks with me is that I picture my life 5 yrs from now. Since this D, my quality of life will NEVER be what it could have been had my M been saved. I may fall in love, find a great man, and be happy, but I will NEVER have my family intact again...it will always be me, him, my kids missing their dad, his kids missing their mom. I just think the rewards of saving the marriage would be so much greater than the best you can do once divorced.
Hey piglet, glad to help. I know it helps me too to read about similar situations and what was said and done.
Zilla (BFLD!), you may be on to something here:
"That while he may have gotten a huge ego boost from her, it was quickly eradicated by his guilt and confusion and sense of lost self.
Thinking along these lines, the way he was so disgusted with himself and with her, I wonder if his feelings last year of being "in love" with her were simply his way of easing his guilt. After all, his behavior - if not validated by love - is despicable. But, if it was "true love," perhaps he felt he could better live with himself. He could claim to have been swept away by his soul mate and that there was nothing he could have done to stop it."
Zilla.. depression. My H is being treated for it and as soon as his meds kicked in - he's looking back at his actions and feeling the same way about them as I am. He said that he was so out of touch with his emotions. That normally a happily M man will tap into his love and commitment for his wife and it stops him from acting on any lustful thoughts he might have. But he said the depression shielded him from all the love he felt for us, and his committment was weak, because being the way he was meant that he was committed to continuing to cause us pain. He "knew" deep in his heart that he needed to be with us, but also knew that he would just continue to cause us pain in his mental state. So, there was a part of him that was as flabbergasted with his actions as I was.. that part made him hate himself and feel guilty. Compounding the depression.. the need for a boost from OW. He just saw himself having a clean slate with her because she didnt know him, and dallied (sp?) with the fantasy that he'd never have to face consequences for his actions, like talking it through with me.. because talking and hearing my pain was the LAST thing he wanted to deal with.
Not much to add to the great work that you guys are doing here but wanted to throw my support your way.
I'm sorry that you guys are going thru this latest bomb but I strongly suspect you will emerge stronger and more bonded as a result. It seems like wound cleaning to me -- a great way to heal.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Rotzilla I am with you I was so close to putting the whole A behind me. My trips down memory lane were becoming further and further apart and less and less painful. But the latest round of lies and betrayel is hughe. Maybe because during all the time he was telling OW he loved her he was with me and telling me the same thing. MY H says the same thing , I wasnt getting anything out of the R with OW. He says she was also getting less and less, emails at stopped, phone calls and voice mails had stopped. All she had were conversations in the office and a hug here an there. H says he was hoping it would all fade away, but during that time he was still misleading her. He says to try and keep peace but now I think hes finally admitting it was more than that. Says now after telling OW he mislead her and knowing he doesnt want to lose me and that he loves me its over. I still have hard time beleiving that and having a difficult time waiting to be sure its over. I dont want to end this marriage but not sure I have patience any longer. I feel so betrayed.
Quote: ...MY H says the same thing, I wasnt getting anything out of the R with OW... H says he was hoping it would all fade away, but during that time he was still misleading her... I still have hard time beleiving that and having a difficult time waiting to be sure its over... I dont want to end this marriage but not sure I have patience any longer... I feel so betrayed.
{{{KMFLA}}} I could have written the above. It's funny how things cycle on this board, huh? Hang in there. How long has it been? I figure I will give it as long as it took for me to heal last time - a year - and if I still feel this way, I will leave. I think I deserve to give MYSELF that courtesy. Nothing I do right now is for H. Right now, all I can think about is that *I* don't want to hurt anymore and *I* don't want to extend my misery. If I leave now, will I regret it? I don't know. I am young, fairly pretty, smart... I know I could find someone else. The point is, is that what I want? I don't know. And until I do, I will not be making any major decisions.
Just like you don't let a friend drive drunk, and you don't allow a child to make life or health decisions, I don't feel as if I am in any frame of mind right now to be making such serious, life altering decisions. Instead, I will wait until the hurricane passes and see what has been left. If I am still in shambles, then I will leave, while I still have a chance to start a life and have a family with someone else.
Sometimes, when you are hurting, it's not the patience that wears thin, but the "love tanks" that are empty. Perhaps you can attempt to fill them yourself. Draw yourself a bath, go out with friends, take up a new hobby? Maybe a little pampering will renew you and give you the energy to continue.
R&R - I am so sorry to read about the latest bomb, but inspired that you both feel strong enough to work through this patch. Such commitment cannot fail - I'm sure you will have the usual ups and downs and hope you will continue to share them here as it is helping the rest of us so much!
Hey all. Well, Sunday, H and I were driving around and I "surprised" him by asking him to bring me to his work and let me look through his desk and personal effects. No sign of any mementos from OW, only old love notes from me. So, I put my rings back on. Nothing else much to say right now, I am kind of in a funky mood... but at least I am entertaining the possibility that we may have some sort of future together. Not sure, not even sure what it will be in the slightest. But just maybe... but for now, I am going to lie down with a good book and take care of me. I feel hurt and sad and alone and just wanted to do something I felt like doing for a change.
BTW - H was very hurt by my actions on Sunday - just in case anyone wondered his reaction. He was hurt, but at least paid lipservice to my hurt being much more severe than his and that he would suffer if it meant bringing me any peace.
Quote: BTW - H was very hurt by my actions on Sunday - just in case anyone wondered his reaction. He was hurt, but at least paid lipservice to my hurt being much more severe than his and that he would suffer if it meant bringing me any peace.
Zuki - this is for you - don't even START on the "I'm hurt you don't trust me" schtick!!!!!!! If you EVER have ANY hope of winning her trust back, it will only be through total and full disclosure. And she'd be an idiot to just take you at your word right now, wouldn't she? So be truthful - it hurts, but NOT because she's being unreasonable, only because it reminds you of what a jerk you have been and how badly you have betrayed her trust. It's going to be hard, I know - my H had a really hard time discussing anything related to the affair, because he felt so ashamed of his actions. But you have to face it, and do what it takes to rebuild that trust - it will take a long time. You should have been glad for the opportunity to assuage her fears.
Hi kml, Yes I was hurt because she didn't trust me. But why should she? I've been lying to her for so long! I also understand that any pain I feel is INSIGNIFICANT compaired to the pain my wife felt, endured, and is feeling now. It's good that I feel pain though, right? My hurt wasn't only about her not trusting me though. It was more about how I allowed myself to get in a situation where my honesty would be questioned. I let her down and robbed her and us of so much. I know, I know. And yes, I AM thankful for her giving me the opportunity to try to remove some of her fears. I will take my lumps and thank her for every little "gift" she gives me.
