"Rotzuki- Do you find yourself having urges to contact OW now and if so what do you do about them."
I do not have any urges at all. Not even the slightest bit. If she were to call me I would simply and clearly say "Do not call me any more" and hang up. My "relationship" with her was more like a thorn in my toe and I was relieved to have it removed. I only wish I could have done it myself. I still don't know why I continued to talk with her. I am relieved that I have been able to purge her out of my system and concentrate on the most important thing in my life; repairing my marriage and getting my best friend (my wife) to have faith in me again.
Thanks My H says the same thing that all he wants to do is work on the marriage and he is glad its all out in the open. Only he does still have urges and says hes fighting the battle. I just dont understand if he loves me and knows he wants to be with me why he has urge to contact and care for OW. Them seeing each other 9-5 Monday through Friday certainly doesnt help.
No, that doesn't help at all. I said before that I do not have any urges to have any contact with the OW whatsoever and I meant it. I also said that I wish I could have broken off our relationship myself. Whenever I was in contact with OW, it was like I was on autopilot or something. On this BB, someone who is involved in an EA is percieved to be an "Alien". That's funny because that's what I felt like with the OW. I was not myself. I didn't feel like myself. I didn't like myself. Which is probably why I started drinking like a fish to escape it. I am in control now and plan on staying that way. Yes, I plan on staying that way. I am in control of all my decisions and will do a much better job of making them in the future.
From your wife's standpoint, I can tell you, the hardest thing right now is living with the fact that you have been lying to her for so long. It's the lying that is hardest to take. You say to yourself that you lied to protect her, but really you lied to protect yourself from her (rightful) reaction to your behavior.
Now - what I have to say here may sound tough, but - you need to come clean with everything now. Totally clean. You may be telling yourself "I can't tell my wife X or Z because it will hurt her and she might leave me" - but the truth is, you are only trying to protect yourself. The truth ALWAYS comes out eventually, and if you are still lying about ANYTHING, she will not be able to stick around when it comes out later.
Is it risky to tell her the whole truth right now? Sure, it is - I won't lie to you. But it is way riskier for her to find something out later - and believe me, it always comes out.
What exactly am I getting at? Well, Zuki, I've been here for 3 years now, and my gut instinct tells me that the odds that this affair remained an emotional affair and never progressed to a physical affair are slim to none. So - if you ever did sleep with the OW, or had oral sex, or whatever - now's the time to fess up, get tested for STDs, and take your lumps.
Hi kml, Yes, I understand that I was lying to protect myself and it was a very selfish thing to do. I have also come completely clean about every aspect of my A with my wife.
kml. Thank you for your very thoughtful post. It has certainly crossed my mind more than once... you can believe that. Although I find it very hard to believe H in anything he says right now, I do know him to be a sincere person. Can you separate honesty and sincerity? Well, H has, oddly enough. He remains sincere while being a liar (in my book) - I hope the old honest H comes back, maybe he is already. I don't know. My judgement isn't too good right now.
I do know that it is possible that he did not have a PA with her. I agree with you, very unlikely. But possible. I know that he has heavy guilt issues, they worked opposite shifts, and there are cameras all over the place. And even though he doesn't know it, I knew just about every place he was when I wasn't with him. Most of the time, if he wasn't at work, he was home... so, good point, but I am choosing to believe him in this one point.
Thanks for your posting and answering the questions. It's a great help to me. That's funny because that's what I felt like with the OW. I was not myself. I didn't feel like myself. I didn't like myself. Which is probably why I started drinking like a fish to escape it.
This statement is one that my H makes concerning the "why" he continued to talk to OW. Hearing it from another man, helps so much. He keeps saying that he doesnt know why.. that he wasn't getting anything out of the convos.. that it was stupid.. he didn't realize how much it would hurt me, but should have, etc etc. He also says "that wasn't me.. that man is not the man I am today. The man I am today loves you and would never do that to you"
So thanks, Im relieved that it's not just a bunch of BS and that confusion has a lot to do with it. I think the betrayed spouse sometimes thinks that the unfaithful spouse has set out to hurt them, doesnt care, or doesn't love them. Maybe it's just what it is.. confusion, enjoying the ego boost but in no way choosing that R over the M.. denial, etc. Has not much to do with the LBS as we think.
I apologized to H for being so harsh on him. I accepted your post with compassion, but I haven't accepted his explanation with the same compassion. He deserves that too!
Piglet - what an awesome post. And what a lucky H you have. Very timely also.
I was just sitting here thinking to myself that this whole posting thing is helping H in ways I had not imagined. I have not yet had a chance to talk to him about it, as we are both at work and it just became clear to me. Perhaps he will post his reply in affirmation or denial here...
I was just thinking that it seems as if H is completely at a loss as to his behavior. Several times he has claimed that he didn't know what he was doing, didn't know why he did the things he did. Didn't get any pleasure out of it, nothing long term anyway. I know from his depression, which is COMPLETELY out of character for him, that this is true. That while he may have gotten a huge ego boost from her, it was quickly eradicated by his guilt and confusion and sense of lost self.
Thinking along these lines, the way he was so disgusted with himself and with her, I wonder if his feelings last year of being "in love" with her were simply his way of easing his guilt. After all, his behavior - if not validated by love - is despicable. But, if it was "true love," perhaps he felt he could better live with himself. He could claim to have been swept away by his soul mate and that there was nothing he could have done to stop it... Of course, even that is BS. If he HAD found his "soul mate" and it wasn't me, he should have been open and broken off with me first... but that's neither here nor there. I have already healed from that part of his betrayal. It's these last lies that are still stinging me.
The one thing I did notice, however, when he reads other people's situations or if I relate something similar to our sitch, he nods and almost seems to smile. Not at their pain, but perhaps at realizing that he is not alone. That these things may not be "normal" but they are not something that no one else has ever gone through before.
So, while I can sit and listen to his "I don't know why I started talking to her again, she just called and we just started talking" and I can say all I want "It's as simple as saying 'I don't want to talk to you' and hanging up the phone." I have never been through what he went through. It is completely out of character for him. And maybe as much as we try to understand "WHY" we may never truly get there. (which is not to say we shouldn't try to understand the "why") But what we may get - at least immediately - is that he is not unique and I am not unique. There are others out there who know what we have each experienced. And that in and of itself is a comfort to us.
Very timely also.