Just checking in to see how you both are doing? Looking forward to your next update
SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Here I am and here's the bomb. Though a year ago I tried to break off with the OW, I was unsuccesful. Gradually we started communicating again and I kept it from my W. It was not a clean break. I kept all the notes and stuff she had given me. They were tied in trashbags. I did not look at them, but I had them none the less. My W found out by listening to my work voicemail. She met me in a parking lot and gave me five minutes to explain. Literally, my life flashed before my eyes. I felt awful that I let her down, AGAIN, and that I had lied to everyone who knew about it. Including everyone here on this board. I called the OW from the parking lot and said on her voice mail that I did not love her, I loved my wife, and never to try to contact me again. I asked my W Monday if I could download a book that we found on this site aimed towards the cheater and she handed it to me. She had already done it. Today, we mailed the OW a letter stating what I had already said on the phone. Please, do not think of us as failing. My W is still with me and we are trying to get through this. I love my wife dearly and completely and am ready to deal with the fallout of this. I know I've hurt her, betrayed her, and embarrassed her beyond words and that it will take longer "this time"(I hear that alot) to heal. I firmly believe we can and I am completely focused on repairing our marriage. I'm sure everyone will have questions for me and I will do the best I can to answer them.
You have brought me to tears. I can't begin to imagine how your W feels, again. Help me understand! Wait, I probably can imagine how she feels, having a husband that continually cheats. What are you lacking in your marriage that makes you go outside to OW? (again) If you love your wife dearly and completely how can you betray yourself by living such a double life? What are your insecurities?
Do you think you deserved 5 more minutes?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, I didn't contact the OW, OW contacted me. But I DID accept the contact so I am at fault. I am not sure why I did it. I have some theories. I'm going to visit my mother tomorrow evening to talk about it. She was in constant contact with my W during the whole thing and I'm hoping that she will help to shed some light on it.
I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain I caused her. Whatever I could think of it would be thousands of times more. I never wanted to hurt her. I guess that's why I didn't tell her when I resumed contact again with the OW. My insecurities? Well, I'm a little overweight for one. Not a lot, but enough to keep me from taking my shirt off in public. I also want everyone to like me. I constantly have to make people happy and I enjoy being happy with them. I guess I have to be the center of attention. Problem is that when I am, I'm usually embarrassed by it too, you know, when everyone is looking at me. I'm really hoping that this talk with my mother will help me hash through this. I'm sorry I brought you to tears.
I'm not meaning to be rude, although it will probably sound like it, but what do you expect to learn from talking to your mom? Just curious, I don't quite get the connection.
Hey all. Thanks for being such good friends. My heart goes out to you all that have to deal with this again, even if it is just the "fear" of it happening again. Deb, please hang in there. Give him faith. You may be hurt again, it's true. I can't say it won't happen. Look at me... I had faith, and I was wrong.
WCW - wow, I will have to read your sitch. I truly feel for you. My H never had a PA, it was only (and I use the word "only" here lightly because for me, it is worse) an EA.
Maybe you all can help us. I know you had questions for him, and I am sure Zuki will answer them for you.
In the meantime, here is the full sitch... This girl he works with, a S. American here on a visa, became friends with him... fast forward, at some point, she left him a voice mail saying she loved him. Suddenly, he began to think of her as more than a friend. This is not something he looked for... we were happy at the time, but I was admittedly absent from our M due to other obligations.
He was both attracted to her and annoyed with her because she is not well educated and doesn't speak very good English. And he knows no Spanish... so, the EA was mostly ego stroking, I guess.
Later, after he broke it off, I guess she called for him to mail her some of her last paychecks... she has moved from MA to NY (thankfully) and that is what got their conversations started again.
During the first time, I got the ILYBNILWY. H was withdrawn, cold to me. Couldn't kiss me or ML - guilty I guess. Said he felt towards me more like a sister/brother but couldn't be in love with me anymore.
The second time, he was happy with me, friendly, fun, told me he loved me often, etc. etc. (Deb, I am NOT trying to scare you - remember, my H is not your H) He has also said that he was annoyed with her, annnoyed when she called him, and never said ILY to her this time, but he did lead her on to think we were close to D. Why??
Anyone? Anyone? WHY? If he is not in love with her, is in love with me, thinks she is annoying, etc. WHY would he risk losing me for a few phone calls?
My thoughts - the "high" he gets from talking to a girl who flatters him to this extent proved too much for him to resist. For some reason, he seems to be immune to my flattery. Maybe like when my mom tells everyone I am the most beautiful, smart, talented and accomplished girl ever, I write it off to her being my mom... maybe it's like that with him? Maybe he feels it is my wifely duty when I flatter him?
It's not, by the way. This man is gorgeous, but he just doesn't see that in himself. He never sees the girls I see looking at him when we are out.
So, my question here is - what next? Can we repair this? Do I want to? This is not a man who has a history of lying AT ALL. He never lied to me before this whole mess. But, then again, we have been together for 7 years and two of them he has been having an EA behind my back. Does that make him a habitual liar?
Any thoughts? Questions? He is searching for answers to help him understand WHY so he doesn't do it again... I am trying to search myself to find out if I want to stay or go. Sadly, because I truly feel we were meant to be together.
Still reeling from it myself.