Former DBer and H need your help

[rottzilla]

Hey Slowly, everything is good here. We have been having a very good time together. Somehow, I feel much closer to H since he and I started coming on here.

Nothing really to report. H laid in bed and read Saturday while I cleaned, and Sunday, I got up early and did some weeding while he slept. It was great because I didn't feel the pressure to make sure he was doing what he wanted to be doing. Every time he gets up to join me while I clean, I just know he is doing it out of guilt, and that puts a lot of pressure on me. Don't get me wrong, I want help around the house, but I'd like it on his terms. When he wants to do something. My time is early in the a.m. before the day starts. That way, I feel accomplished and less guilty when I go out to do my own thing the rest of the day.

JJ - I really don't know. I know I feel like Zuki is controlling me passively sometimes, but I am having a really hard time answering this one. See, I guess my control detector is shut off or something. I just don't see how I control him or when I am doing it. I'm not saying I don't because he obviously perceives differently. I'm just saying that I don't see it. Poor H is very busy at work - they are at 104% utilization so he is running himself ragged. Hopefully he will get a chance to post soon because I really want to explore this issue more with him. And your questions are a very good lead in.

On the positive side, I had a very, very good weekend with H. VERY nice. ... ha ha ha...And he got a great present for himself - the Straight 8 Electra bike, which he has wanted for some time. (We had a tax-holiday here in Taxachusetts) And I was very pleased that he got it because he did a great job budgeting for it and figuring out how we could save the most money (5% off by buying this weekend, and 10% back at the end of the year for buying through REI where we are members...) I was very impressed with his financial skill and reasoning in this transaction.

[Rottzuki]

Hi JJ,
Yeah, that's a tough question. From her post, I see she believes I'm controlling her passively, but I can't see how except we seem to feed of each others moods. Sometimes, if I'm doing something because I feel guilty, she will feel guilty about it. Which makes me feel more guilty, and so on, and so on.
She was right about this weekend too. We had a good time and there definetely seems to be less stress between us since we both started posting here.

[rottzilla]

Let me state that more clearly, Zuki... I don't mean to make it sound like it is a regular occurence for you to be passive aggressive. It's very, very infrequent, in fact. I was just mentioning it because the question was 'what areas of our lives do control issues NOT exist.' I guess better stated, I should say that I don't feel controlled at all, except passively by you. And that is seldom if and when it does occur. I couldn't count the number of times in a year on one hand, to be exact. However, when you are angry and we have a disagreement, you are more likely to be passively controlling than to outright fight with me.

(I should note here, guys, that we really don't fight. Honestly, if you were to take the year of our lives when Zuki was taken by the aliens, I can't remember a fight before that. At all. Oh, there was that one time in the beginning when I got upset and wanted him to take time to date some other people... and that upset him a lot. But he had gone from his parent's house -to being married with kids -to me. And I thought it would be better if he explored his freedom before committing to another long term relationship. I didn't see that as a fight, although I guess I really hurt him then.)

Zuki... What I would be interested to hear more about is your answer to JJ's questions. Where do you feel in control, or even where do you feel as if control (by me) is lacking? And what are we doing at those times when you feel more in control?

I think I know where he was going with that question... it's the DB principle - pick what works and do more of it. So, in what areas do you feel more in control of your own life and destiny? If you can identify it, it would be great to explore it.

[slowly]

Hello R&R - Can you tell, I now come to this thread before my own

We had a good time and there definetely seems to be less stress between us since we both started posting here.

This is very cool, looking forward to more of what works

H laid in bed and read Saturday while I cleaned, and Sunday, I got up early and did some weeding while he slept. It was great because I didn't feel the pressure to make sure he was doing what he wanted to be doing. Every time he gets up to join me while I clean, I just know he is doing it out of guilt, and that puts a lot of pressure on me. Don't get me wrong, I want help around the house, but I'd like it on his terms. When he wants to do something. My time is early in the a.m. before the day starts. That way, I feel accomplished and less guilty when I go out to do my own thing the rest of the day.

OK, I used to do this too. Wake up early, do the chores so that when NG is up, I'm ready for 'us' time. Turns out I was depleting his love tank big time QT is his LL, followed by WOA. By leaving our bed, I was saying that just being with him was not good enough for me. That there were other things that were more important. I have had to re-learn that having a lie in, sometimes just chatting about nothing, was far more meaningful for NG than a clean house (not that we live in a mess, but you know, there is always that little bit more to do ) And I do feel that most of our closeness now comes from the quiet moments we simply be together, not doing anything, just being, and enjoying being with each other. I have to confess, I'm a doer, and this was very difficult in the begining. But it seems we can all learn, if the incentive is strong enough

Slowly

[Toomanywords]

Rottzuki, rottzilla- Thank you.

I have said this to other sucess stories- but I can't help but be jealous at this point. I can only hope and wish for an ending as awesome as yours. Congrats!

[Larjo]

Well what a great thread. I would also like to say congrats and yes a bit jealous. On the issue of control. I actually liked when my H was in control. It was a big sigh of relief knowing someone else could be a decision maker, bill payer, grocery shopper, plan maker. But I had an issue with friends and family saying; Why is H so controlling? I never looked at it that way. I never focused on the control part of him, just the "he's my big strong man who takes care of me".

Then one day out of nowhere H started using "you cant do this because you are punished" "I will not let you drive the car" "I dont like that nail polish" "you dont cook enough" "you dont clean enough". I read some previous love letters that he wrote, "I let you do this" or "I let you do that" The words of my family and friends started to replay in my mind more and more. H also mentioned that his previous GF's said he was controlling. Add that all up and you got a disaster in my head.

What started off as control being flattering to it becoming a monster. Does feeling out of control in other areas of your life make you seek more control from your mate? Or do we have to go deeper that that?

[rottzilla]

Thanks guys. Don't be jealous. It was a long, hard and painful journey. You are just on a different part of the journey than we are... it took us two years to get back to this point.

Larjo, I think that you need to start to take control of your own life. I know that my H likes to do things for me, but doesn't like me being helpless. Yes, I think that being out of control in your own life allows others to take over that part of your life. In other words, if you leave yourself open to being controlled by not taking control yourself, someone will step in and control you. If you take control of your own life, it will give you a sense of accomplishment and fill that void. Plus, you may be doing what I did when I was younger. I saw things my H did for me as ways he was showing he cared for me. I confused it with being helpless and it got to the point that he was doing so much for me he was sick of it. Perhaps your H is sick of it and his anger and resentment is coming out as more controlling behavior.

Then again, there is a chance he just has his own issues and needs to see a counselor.

[rottzilla]

Hey all. H and I have been very crazy at work. Sorry not to be posting. Nothing to report, things have been good. H gave me a nice kiss last night before leaving to see some friends. I miss that, wish I got more of those. He's such a good kisser. But, I think perhaps things are continuing on the upswing now...

I have lost 5+ pounds - won't be long before I am hot again for H. Ha ha ha.

Well, just checking in. We'll post when I have something to report.

[2much]

Hey R & R!

I wanted to come and bring you back to the first dilemna you mentioned...the PT

Anyway, it seems we are stuck. Maybe H is guilty. Maybe I am expecting too much too soon. We both agree we want things to go back to the way things were before the EA, before I began neglecting the R. But mostly, I want to truly know without a doubt that H loves me.

Going to the five love languages, I am physical touch, and he is acts of service. Lately, he doesn't feel like much PT, although our cuddle life is GREAT. I feel like I am ugly and he is not attracted to me. I also feel perhaps the guilt is getting the better of him, and that is making him hold back a little.

Our situations sound very, VERY similar, all beggining w/ the I dont love you, I love OW. Blah, blah, blah...anyways, it has been almost a year now since H and OW broke off R. We are doing so good...we are developing a different kind of friendship than we ever had before! Its like we are becoming soul mates instead of just H and W. BUT--my LL is PT also....and in no way am I getting any from my H. I feed all his LL and then some. So what I am wondering is how can I get H to do things for me??

H gave me a nice kiss last night before leaving to see some friends. I miss that, wish I got more of those. He's such a good kisser.

This is funny...just last weekend, H went away to see friends and I kissed him on lips and he actually kissed me back. Not the best kiss..but he kissed me back. But I initiated it. H NEVER initiates any kind of PT..well, I take that back...once in a while he will if he wants to ML..which is fine...

I too, like you...want to feel wanted, want to feel loved, want to feel that he is attracted to me!! But I dont know what else to do!! Also, neither one of us has said ILY in person since way b4 the EA started, which was about 2.5 years ago. I have texted to H ILY a couple of times when he has been away, but other than that, nothing. So for me...am I sure H does love me?? I think so...he does other kinds of things to show me he does, but not the things that I need most.

Do either one of you have any advice for me ?? Or can you tell me why he might be afraid to show me affection??

[Larjo]

Thanks RZ
for shedding some light in a different way. When I met H, I was a strong independant woman. Supported myself for 18 years. I did most things on my own. H came along and took the burden off small things and I enjoyed a little break.

His control went so much deeper. As an example, he wanted to put my shoes on me when I got ready for work, sometimes would even lay my clothes out. When I told him I could really do that on my own, he would get angry.

So its not a matter of H being tired of doing for me, its something he enjoyed, but he carried it to far. I believe he wanted me to be "out of control" so he felt in control. Like the saviour of me. And that is his pattern with women for the past 20 years. He has had a new woman every six months.

Counceling, yes, he wont do it though. One time when we were dating he told me he wondered why he could never have a stable relationship, what is wrong with me, he quoted. So he recognizes on a certain level that he needs to work on some things.

I have no choice but to be back to controlling my own life, I have been separated over a year now and H tells me he prays for "someone to take care of me" But Im doing that on my own. Its what I have learned to do in the school of hard knocks.

So any light you shed is so helpful since you both are working through your problems. This thread will be an educational experience as opposed to the venting part of it, which we all need too! Much appreciated!