Former DBer and H need your help

[rottzilla]

JJ - Thanks for gracing my post!!!

...what things do you do to make it "safe" for your partner to open up, and voice their thoughts and concerns to you?

good question. I guess I tell him that it is OK, which doesn't work for H because he is sort of mistrustful of words, IMHO. Perhaps I should be doing something different?

When do these conversations work out the best for you, and your partner? What are you doing during these times, and saying, or maybe more importantly, NOT saying?

You know, I am not sure if we have a problem communicating at all - but then I am not sure of anything right now. Hey Zuksters, what is your opinion? I think that we don't "fight" that often, not because we are keeping things inside, but because we usually communicate effectively and agree. Most often, I feel we are on the "same page" and get along so well it's frightening... But perhaps you have a different view?

What things might you do to immediately shut down this conversation? How might your partner feel "punished" by you for speaking their mind? What do you typically do, and what might you be able to do different?

If anything, I think that showing that my feelings are hurt by something will shut him down faster than anything. However, that's not what I want. I would rather encourage open and frank discussion about how I am feeling and WHY I feel that way, so we can explore and find answers, than to have him keep it inside and grow more withdrawn. This is what I fear most. His withdrawal and keeping things from me. I love my H unconditionally and I want him to know that and feel comfortable in it. Even when he was being a *jerk* to me (being really nice there) I loved him. I hated who he was becoming, and didn't respect him, but I loved him.

Mostly, I just want him to be himself, because that is who I fell in love with. I don't want guilt on his part or hurt on my part to get in the way of us picking up the pieces and moving on happily. I love this man so much and we are such good friends, and I don't want anything to get in our way of having a happy life for a long time together. I don't want him to change who he is or feel he has to tailor what he says to me to save my feelings. I am a grown-up and I can decide what I do and don't want in life. There is not much that my H does that hurts me. I guess because I was still very young when we were first together, and had just two (dysfunctional) relationships prior to being with him, I hadn't learned good relationship skills.

One thing that hurts me is that my H seems not to have noticed that I have grown and am not the same person that I was back then. I am not jealous of his time like I was in the beginning. Certainly not since this whole EA and DBing thing happened, I have changed. I have found ways to be much more independent, and ENJOY that independence. I think he still reacts to me the way he used to because he EXPECTS my reaction to be what it would have been before this life changing event happened between us.

I really just wish he would recognize the NEW me and start a NEW relationship with me. I know it's tough to let go of preconceived notions, and to start over, but we have really both grown and learned a lot about ourselves through this whole ordeal. I know there are still some small things that need to change, like I need more PT and he needs more independence. But I feel that it's not fair for me to have done all this hard work on myself -growing and learning - and not be recognized for it.