Quote: Sometimes I feel like screaming at you "OF COURSE I am the one in control. *I* am the only one who ever TAKES control. *I* don't LIKE being in control, but I have to because SOMEONE in this relationship has to CONTROL the money and the vacation schedule and our dogs -etc etc etc. Don't you think I would LOVE to just let go sometimes and have someone else worry about the constant stress of running a household and family?
I get excited when H says that he wants more control because to me, that means 'hey, now maybe I will get some time to myself. Maybe I will be able to share the burden and relax more...' Then, he never does anything, and I am still left with the workload and he is left resenting me for being the one with all the answers.
Rottzilla - YES! This is what I have tried to say on more than one occasion! I didn't take over and do everything just because I wanted that control. I did it because it needed done, and I knew H worked hard at his job, and I was lucky enough to be home. So slowly, I started doing more and more, thinking I was a good wife and showing my love by "taking care" of the details for him. But he didn't see it as loving at all, where I would have been thrilled, had he done the same for me! I NEVER wanted to be in control, and always said it felt unbalanced, but when its June and no vacation is planned yet, I would plan it. When the bills needed paid, and he didn't have time, I would pay them. Eventually, I was handling the money and practically giving him an allowance, but that would not have been my choice. It just evolved over time.
Welcome to the board, Rottzuki! And HI to you, rottzilla! This is a great thread, and I'm so glad you're both here to find some better ways to piece your relationship back together! You've been getting some great input so far, and are providing inspiration to many others here!
Forgive me if I hit and run on a few things here, but not much time, and wanted to throw in some things to think about!
From VJ38.....
I think we all have these personality traits that can cause friction in a marriage, but that doesn't mean we can't learn to handle them. In my case, I would have liked it if H would have learned to say "Hey, you are taking over again, step back and let's rethink - I want to have an opinion here". I probably would have laughed and agreed, b/c I recognize that in myself. But when it is not communicated, and the other partner withdraws and resents, that is when trouble starts.
Yes, this can be a biggie to overcome. When it comes to confrontation over things like this, what things do you do to make it "safe" for your partner to open up, and voice their thoughts and concerns to you? How do you "reward" this positive behavior, and let them know that this is what you want more of? When do these conversations work out the best for you, and your partner? What are you doing during these times, and saying, or maybe more importantly, NOT saying?
What things might you do to immediately shut down this conversation? How might your partner feel "punished" by you for speaking their mind? What do you typically do, and what might you be able to do different?
This one really struck home with me. Had another instance of this at my house this morning. However, what in the past would have dragged on for days or weeks was over in about 10 minutes, and we're pretty much done with it, and back on track!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Quote: ...what things do you do to make it "safe" for your partner to open up, and voice their thoughts and concerns to you?
good question. I guess I tell him that it is OK, which doesn't work for H because he is sort of mistrustful of words, IMHO. Perhaps I should be doing something different?
Quote: When do these conversations work out the best for you, and your partner? What are you doing during these times, and saying, or maybe more importantly, NOT saying?
You know, I am not sure if we have a problem communicating at all - but then I am not sure of anything right now. Hey Zuksters, what is your opinion? I think that we don't "fight" that often, not because we are keeping things inside, but because we usually communicate effectively and agree. Most often, I feel we are on the "same page" and get along so well it's frightening... But perhaps you have a different view?
Quote: What things might you do to immediately shut down this conversation? How might your partner feel "punished" by you for speaking their mind? What do you typically do, and what might you be able to do different?
If anything, I think that showing that my feelings are hurt by something will shut him down faster than anything. However, that's not what I want. I would rather encourage open and frank discussion about how I am feeling and WHY I feel that way, so we can explore and find answers, than to have him keep it inside and grow more withdrawn. This is what I fear most. His withdrawal and keeping things from me. I love my H unconditionally and I want him to know that and feel comfortable in it. Even when he was being a *jerk* to me (being really nice there) I loved him. I hated who he was becoming, and didn't respect him, but I loved him.
Mostly, I just want him to be himself, because that is who I fell in love with. I don't want guilt on his part or hurt on my part to get in the way of us picking up the pieces and moving on happily. I love this man so much and we are such good friends, and I don't want anything to get in our way of having a happy life for a long time together. I don't want him to change who he is or feel he has to tailor what he says to me to save my feelings. I am a grown-up and I can decide what I do and don't want in life. There is not much that my H does that hurts me. I guess because I was still very young when we were first together, and had just two (dysfunctional) relationships prior to being with him, I hadn't learned good relationship skills.
One thing that hurts me is that my H seems not to have noticed that I have grown and am not the same person that I was back then. I am not jealous of his time like I was in the beginning. Certainly not since this whole EA and DBing thing happened, I have changed. I have found ways to be much more independent, and ENJOY that independence. I think he still reacts to me the way he used to because he EXPECTS my reaction to be what it would have been before this life changing event happened between us.
I really just wish he would recognize the NEW me and start a NEW relationship with me. I know it's tough to let go of preconceived notions, and to start over, but we have really both grown and learned a lot about ourselves through this whole ordeal. I know there are still some small things that need to change, like I need more PT and he needs more independence. But I feel that it's not fair for me to have done all this hard work on myself -growing and learning - and not be recognized for it.
My H and I are also piecing our R back together and the issue of control is HUGE for us. Your post explains my feelings exactly, and I'm struggling on how to give up control, but our life not fall apart! My H is passive and slow to get things accomplished unless I remind him constantly, do it for him, or nag him. I'm realizing that this is HIS problem, and I have compensated by trying to do everything, and make his decisions. He resents it of course and I'm controlling, bossy, blah blah. I'm eager to see how you and your H tackle this problem together. If the bossy woman backs off, will the passive H really start taking responsibility for himself???? No offense to any of you, but that's what I'm trying to figure out in my own sitch. Good luck!!
Well, to be fair, my H is not THAT passive. Instead, like some people have risk avoidance, he has hurt and fight avoidance. He really doesn't like to think about hurting me (or anyone he loves) and despises fighting. So do I, for that matter. He is very helpful around the house, gets projects done in good time, with some procrastination... but still gets them done without me nagging or anything.
His problem is all about FEELING that it is OK for him to go do his own thing and FEELING like he knows what is going on with our finances, etc.
So, Sheila, how does your H show that he is upset with you or when does he say you are being bossy? What are you doing at the time? Or saying?
That I understand No conflict. My H shuts down and clams up. Although Im honest and verbal about it, H is very passive about getting his way when he wants it too. He acts snippy and sighs or rolls his eyes. I only know that he thinks I try to control him because that's what he told others when we were separated. He now says that I just try to control what he is "out of control" with, but I think he's smoothing the issue over. I'm noticing more and more what I say and do that is controlling. Like just now, H called to tell me that the guy installing our DSL line had the cable running across the middle of the room instead of installing a new jack. H said he'd have to get another cable and run it differently, or up from under the house. Instead of just saying OK, and getting off the phone, letting him handle it, I started telling H what to tell the guy, and that I'd call the cable company to ask if the installation was supposed to be that way, etc. I could tell when he hung up that he was not happy. He sounded frustrated. He called back to say that they ran it a different way so it wouldnt be across the floor. So now I feel like I have damaged his effort to do something good for us. He actually called and had the installation set up, waited for the guy and was doing something good for me, and here I have to butt in. Anyway, not to hi-jack I definately have things to work on!
I think that it's great that you gave this example, and that you have the awareness of a place where you may have stumbled in your efforts. It's so easy to often not have a clue of some of our "more of the same" behaviors that we get stuck in, so you did a good job with this!
Now, let me ask you what you would "typically" do after a situation such as this. Would you talk to him about this at all, or just let it go? What have you done in the past, and what were the results? What have you been able to do that have made the results more positive?
Not to hijack, either! However, I think that these could be some good things for everyone to be aware of. How what we unwittingly do can effect others, how their perceptions of our actions might be different than our actual intentions, and how we might be able to make some positive changes in the future.
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
What are some areas of your lives where a perceived "control issue" doesn't seem to exist? What are some things that you find that it's easier to come to a mutual agreement on, and both be satisfied with the results? During these times, what are you both doing individually, and together, that may be different than other times?
Gee, I sure ask a lot of questions, don't I?!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Thanks JamesJohn Well, typically I'd have let it go if the sitch ended well (ie, come home to no cable running across the floor), but if it didn't I'd have blamed the whole thing on him not handling the sitch the right way. The cable guys incompetence would have become his incompetence.. see what I mean? But today, it has ended well. He called back and I thanked him for getting it straight and setting it all up. He sounded really happy and said "not a problem at all!" There is a problem with logging onto our new email address and I bit my tongue with a suggestion of how to handle it and I didnt make any snotty comments about our main email address being under his name. In short, I guess I'm trying to treat him with the respect I would give any of my friends and he deserves so much more than that even! It's just so hard to "let go" when my own emotions are wrapped up in what he does and if he does it. I'm such a DO'ER, that I have a hard time accepting that he does things at his own pace. But, I'm trying to be patient and keep a PMA. It's helping, but I have such a long way to go at even realizing what I do that makes him want to clam up and not talk, and feel controlled. I guess my bossiness is emasculating (sp), and I want to have a strong confident H, not one who feels weak because I don't let him have control his life or because I criticize his efforts. I think the more I give positive reinforcement for what he's doing instead of pointing out what's not getting done, or how it could be better, the more he is going to feel like contributing?? I asked him if he sometimes thinks "I'll just let her handle it because I probably wouldn't do it to suit her anyway" and he kinda laughed and said "yeah, it's that way sometimes". I apologized. At least it's out in the open now where we can deal with it. I've asked him to point out sitch's where I'm making him uncomfortable and he said he'll work on that too.
I love this man so much and we are such good friends, and I don't want anything to get in our way of having a happy life for a long time together. I don't want him to change who he is or feel he has to tailor what he says to me to save my feelings. I am a grown-up and I can decide what I do and don't want in life. There is not much that my H does that hurts me. I guess because I was still very young when we were first together, and had just two (dysfunctional) relationships prior to being with him, I hadn't learned good relationship skills. 
One thing that hurts me is that my H seems not to have noticed that I have grown and am not the same person that I was back then. I am not jealous of his time like I was in the beginning. Certainly not since this whole EA and DBing thing happened, I have changed. I have found ways to be much more independent, and ENJOY that independence. I think he still reacts to me the way he used to because he EXPECTS my reaction to be what it would have been before this life changing event happened between us. 
No conflict. My H shuts down and clams up. Although Im honest and verbal about it, H is very passive about getting his way when he wants it too. He acts snippy and sighs or rolls his eyes. I only know that he thinks I try to control him because that's what he told others when we were separated. He now says that I just try to control what he is "out of control" with, but I think he's smoothing the issue over. I'm noticing more and more what I say and do that is controlling. Like just now, H called to tell me that the guy installing our DSL line had the cable running across the middle of the room instead of installing a new jack. H said he'd have to get another cable and run it differently, or up from under the house. Instead of just saying OK, and getting off the phone, letting him handle it, I started telling H what to tell the guy, and that I'd call the cable company to ask if the installation was supposed to be that way, etc. I could tell when he hung up that he was not happy. He sounded frustrated. He called back to say that they ran it a different way so it wouldnt be across the floor. So now I feel like I have damaged his effort to do something good for us. He actually called and had the installation set up, waited for the guy and was doing something good for me, and here I have to butt in. Anyway, not to hi-jack 
