It is so great to be reading your thread with feedback from both perspectives!
Rottzilla - This is totally how my H's family is:
"I place a lot of blame on my MIL, maybe incorrectly, but she is the guilt queen, and he grew up feeling a lot of guilt in her house. She still guilts him, but doesn't mean to. She really wants to just love him, but I think he gets a lot of guilty feelings from MIL's style of mothering."
How do you and H deal with this now? My H feels a tremendous amount of guilt especially with work and not being able to say "no" to extra work.
Hope you both have a great day
SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
You know, I want to justify my actions a bit... just to tell my side...
I have been trying every way I can for years and years to get H to see he can do what he wants when he wants to, and still, I am doing everything all wrong. Maybe you can all help us find out (I like Honey's suggestion...) how I can act that H will find acceptable.
What if I told you every day I don't like blue eye shadow, but I continued to put on blue eye shadow. So, you say "try green eye shadow." Now, what if I told you I felt you were controlling me by making that suggestion. Then, right afterwards, I put on blue eye shadow again, and say I don't like it. Wouldn't you be frustrated? That's how I feel.
H says there is a problem, again and again, but never does anything different. So, when I get so upset that he is unhappy and finally try to help him fix it, he gets upset with me for trying to fix it. But, meanwhile, he never (never say never, right??) does anything but complain and keep letting it happen. I feel like I am stuck in a catch 22, either I help him, which gets him upset and feeling like I control everything, or I don't, which gets him feeling like I control everything.
Maybe honey is right, and I should just detach and ignore you when you voice those feelings. But, then I feel like I am ignoring my H when he needs me to listen and help.
Plus, I take it personally as it is always "YOU are too in control and *I* feel out of control." Sometimes I feel like screaming at you "OF COURSE I am the one in control. *I* am the only one who ever TAKES control. *I* don't LIKE being in control, but I have to because SOMEONE in this relationship has to CONTROL the money and the vacation schedule and our dogs -etc etc etc. Don't you think I would LOVE to just let go sometimes and have someone else worry about the constant stress of running a household and family?
I get excited when H says that he wants more control because to me, that means 'hey, now maybe I will get some time to myself. Maybe I will be able to share the burden and relax more...' Then, he never does anything, and I am still left with the workload and he is left resenting me for being the one with all the answers.
Can I say I just feel like it is hopeless? I know it isn't, but it feels that way sometimes.
Quote: How do you and H deal with this now? My H feels a tremendous amount of guilt especially with work and not being able to say "no" to extra work. SP
Hey SP, I guess I should let Zuki answer this. I personally don't feel he does "deal" with it. At least that is my perspective. If I were him and it were my mother, I would tell her how I feel. But H is so sweet and concerned for her feelings that he never says anything to her. I think he either just avoids her when he doesn't feel like dealing with her, or sometimes gets angry/frustrated with her. But never says anything about how she is... which I can't disagree with. Knowing my MIL, if anyone said to her that her guilting gets out of control sometimes, she would take it very personally and go to another extreme just to make it about her again and how hurt she is... Not to be mean. I just feel that way...
I read on an SSM post (can't remember who) about the 5LL and H and I thought his mother's LL was AOS because she is always doing things for other people. But now that post brought to light that perhaps her LL is WOA as she DOES things for others so they will TELL her how wonderful she is... So, maybe with this new knowledge we can get her to stop guilting a bit by giving her what she needs.
Next time I see her I will try this. Tell her how hard she has worked, blah blah blah -and see what the response is.
Zilla, My H is a sortof passive person. And I don't mean that in any sissy/wimpy way. It's just his personality. Some people are leaders, some are followers. He is more of a follower, although he gets VERY resentful at times about that very fact--here I am, following along with her a-gain!
I have a guilt inducing MIL as well. Nicest woman on earth but tricky to deal with. If you don't read minds, oh man, you are hosed when dealing with her! If you don't say something or do something that she was expecting then you get the silent treatment or martyr treatment. I can be sortof dense and oftentimes don't realize that I've done something offensive to her.
Zuki, how are you with being direct? I ask only because my husband sounds a lot like you and he has an impossible time with being direct. He wants me, and everyone else, to read between the lines. I have gotten used to having to do this with him but I do get resentful of it at times. I am supposed to notice things like: he hasn't had a chance to shower yet and if I were a thoughtful wife, I'd shoo him off to take care of that. Well, I just don't notice! Or, rather, I do notice but I would never in a million years think that it is my place to tell someone else to take care of themselves. Anyway, so I pointed out to him that it is hard living with a person who is not direct and I asked him to try to be more direct when talking to me. He is so sweet natured and kind that I know he would never cross the line from direct to blunt or pointed, kwim? So I've been gently encouraging him to be direct and so far, so good. It is, as you say, a fine line between encouragement and control, so I pick and choose my times to say something wisely.
This was a convoluted message. I'm sorry for that. I've tried to write it a couple of times and gave up. Just wanted to chime in!
In my stich - My H had freedom to do as he wished - I never got mad when he took time for himself and went out after work with colleagues. I think - he put alot of stress on himself - always thinking he had to call in and get permission from me. It was nice that he did call - but I never expected it.
But in my stich - it backfired - I think he got the impression that I didn't care about him or what he was doing. Fine line.
During the EA - when I told him how important he was to me (totally 180 for me not being emotional distant) - he said he didn't know I felt that way about him !
Quote: In my stich - My H had freedom to do as he wished - I never got mad when he took time for himself and went out after work with colleagues. I think - he put alot of stress on himself - always thinking he had to call in and get permission from me. It was nice that he did call - but I never expected it.
But in my stich - it backfired - I think he got the impression that I didn't care about him or what he was doing. Fine line.
Hi honeypot, I guess I can be both direct and indirect. It depends on the situation. I think one of my problems is that when I'm angry or upset with someone, I tend to be more indirect. Which just intensifies the situation. I believe also that I'm more of a follower. A "go with the flow" type. But sometimes I do like to lead. As far as dealing with the guilt my M tries to dump on me, My W pretty much nailed it. I ignore her attemps for the most part but would never tell her how she was making me feel because as my W so elequently put it, she would definetely go to the extreme opposite.
Hey Zuki, My H would never call his mom on the carpet, either. As maddening as she is, I respect him for this. He treats her very kindly, even when she doesn't deserve it. There have been times when I've said, Why don't you just tell her to (fill in the blank) but the truth is that I admire how patient and kind he is with her. He is not good at setting boundaries with her but neither is he a jerk to her. I wouldn't like to see that, despite the fact that she SO deserves it at times! lol
Quote: Sometimes I feel like screaming at you "OF COURSE I am the one in control. *I* am the only one who ever TAKES control. *I* don't LIKE being in control, but I have to because SOMEONE in this relationship has to CONTROL the money and the vacation schedule and our dogs -etc etc etc. Don't you think I would LOVE to just let go sometimes and have someone else worry about the constant stress of running a household and family?
I get excited when H says that he wants more control because to me, that means 'hey, now maybe I will get some time to myself. Maybe I will be able to share the burden and relax more...' Then, he never does anything, and I am still left with the workload and he is left resenting me for being the one with all the answers.
Rottzilla - YES! This is what I have tried to say on more than one occasion! I didn't take over and do everything just because I wanted that control. I did it because it needed done, and I knew H worked hard at his job, and I was lucky enough to be home. So slowly, I started doing more and more, thinking I was a good wife and showing my love by "taking care" of the details for him. But he didn't see it as loving at all, where I would have, had he done the same for me! I NEVER wanted to be in control, and always said it felt unbalanced, but when its June and no vacation is planned yet, I would plan it. When the bills needed paid, and he didn't have time, I would pay them. Eventually, I was handling the money and practically giving him an allowance, but that would not have been my choice. It just evolved over time.
Quote: Sometimes I feel like screaming at you "OF COURSE I am the one in control. *I* am the only one who ever TAKES control. *I* don't LIKE being in control, but I have to because SOMEONE in this relationship has to CONTROL the money and the vacation schedule and our dogs -etc etc etc. Don't you think I would LOVE to just let go sometimes and have someone else worry about the constant stress of running a household and family?
I get excited when H says that he wants more control because to me, that means 'hey, now maybe I will get some time to myself. Maybe I will be able to share the burden and relax more...' Then, he never does anything, and I am still left with the workload and he is left resenting me for being the one with all the answers.
Rottzilla - YES! This is what I have tried to say on more than one occasion! I didn't take over and do everything just because I wanted that control. I did it because it needed done, and I knew H worked hard at his job, and I was lucky enough to be home. So slowly, I started doing more and more, thinking I was a good wife and showing my love by "taking care" of the details for him. But he didn't see it as loving at all, where I would have, had he done the same for me! I NEVER wanted to be in control, and always said it felt unbalanced, but when its June and no vacation is planned yet, I would plan it. When the bills needed paid, and he didn't have time, I would pay them. Eventually, I was handling the money and practically giving him an allowance, but that would not have been my choice. It just evolved over time.
