You know honey, I would like to hear the answer to this question. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it here, that's fine, but I thought it may benefit some people currently going through similar sitchs.
Quote:
Dr. G. After an affair, I do not ask the question you would expect. The spouse always wants to know about “him or her”. “What did you see in her that you didn’t see in me?” Or, “what did you like about him better?” I always ask about “you”: “What did you like about yourself in that other relationship?"
How were you different? And, of the way that you were in that other relationship, what would you like to bring back so that you can be the person you want to be in your primary relationship? How can we foster that part of you in this relationship?
Dr. G. There is an attraction in the affair, and I try to understand what it is. Part of it is the romantic projection: I like the way I look when I see myself in the other person’s eyes. There is positive mirroring. An affair holds up a vanity mirror, the kind with all the little bulbs around it; it gives a nice rosy glow to the way you see yourself. By contrast, the marriage offers a make-up mirror; it magnifies all your wrinkles and pores, every little flaw. When someone loves you despite the fact that they can see all your flaws, that is a reality-based love.
In the stories of what happened during the affair, people seem to take on a different persona, and one of the things they liked best about being in that relationship was the person they had become. The man who wasn’t sensitive or expressive is now in a relationship where he is expressing his feelings and is supportive.
This really isn't pertinent to our sitch right now, but it's something I find interesting.
